I understood then. NYNB was out the window. This whole time, throughout the freezing cold and the jump from the tram, I still thought that I would change my role in life to be somebody else. Maybe some people are destined to play the filler for the main characters.
After all, even those who manage to make significant changes still get lost in time. Maybe it was all pointless. It was all temporary. It was that same cold, dark feeling that had been consuming me the past few months slowly seeped into the edges of my vision. That feeling that there really is no point to any of this.
“Bee, I’m sorry.” He looked wrecked.
I wrapped my arms around his middle and squeezed until my arms shook. I couldn’t do my plan but we could still get Owen the money he was owed and help Ivy.
“Okay.” I nodded once, voice loud and clear. “Take me to Benny Jr. The little jerk. You get your money, and then I will figure out what needs to be done.”
“Bee. I’m sorry. I hate this. If I had another option … if I thought.” He tugged off his winter hat to put it on me. “I’ll talk him out of pressing charges. I’ll make sure you’re okay.”
“Don’t apologize. I’m aware of my privilege and that this was all a half-baked idea to begin with.” My voice sounded flat. “I’ll just figure out something else. There’s always next year. But this is in no way your fault.” I made him meet my gaze. “You’ve done nothing wrong.”
“You aren’t alone in this. I promise,” Owen said.
I tried so hard to believe him, but in my experience, out of sight, out of mind. But that wasn’t fair to Owen. I could see the torment in his features, and I knew that he didn’t want to be doing this. It wasn’t like we’d made plans to go get croissants and throw them to (at) the guinea pigs in the park. He didn’t owe me anything. I was insecure and sad that none of my plans came to fruition, but I still cared about Owen and wanted to help him.
“Let’s go get your money,” I said, determined.
But crap, was I really about to get arrested?
Chapter 21
Owen
Guilt churnedin my gut as we rode down the hill, following Azi and Mateo toward Benny. The storm left a foot of fresh powder, but the sky was bright and blue. The top halves of the pine trees were weighted down by snow and looked as mournful and burdened as I felt. Bee was silent as she clung to my back, head resting against me, presumably to block the worst of the cold. They’d given her a helmet, but she was still bound to be cold this icy morning.
I’d hated how her normally bright, sturdy countenance melted out of her voice, leaving a shell of the woman I’d grown to know when she agreed to go down the mountain with me. I hated to share Ivy’s business at the risk of emotionally manipulating Bee, but I didn’t know how else to prove to Bee that I didn’t have any other options. If there was any other way.
I had thought of Ivy moving in with me into my tiny apartment above the cannabis dispensary, High Altitude, on Main Street. But I couldn’t take care of her as I worked strange, long hours. She needed things the medical staff provided that I didn’t know about. She didn’t deserve that life. She deserved tobe in a safe place like Golden Sunset. Not to even mention the practical issues like getting her up and down all those narrow wooden stairs that led up to my apartment or if she even wanted to live in a space that would always sort of smell skunky. It wouldn’t be fair to her.
But Bee didn’t deserve this either. I had been honest from the beginning. I never meant to hurt her.
How could I not be hurting her? I had just slept with her, and now I was delivering her to a man with an ego trip. Benny Jr. was out to send a message to those in town who thought his father did a better job. What sort of person was I? There had to be a better way.
Snow stung my cheeks as I squinted ahead, a growing awareness that no matter what, I was going to hurt someone I cared about. It might not be physical pain this time, but I still could only manage to hurt.
We went over a hill and then dipped low, coming down the final stretch to the base building. There, two black dots on the horizon waited—Benny Jr. and Officer Martinez.
Azi and Mateo zipped down and away as our snowmobile rolled to a stop. I cut the engine and sat still. I shook my head, the sudden cessation of the engine causing a ringing in my ears.
“No.” I got up and out of the seat to kneel before Bee. My helmet reflected back as she stared down at me. Presumably.
I tugged mine off and she matched me; her revealed face twisted in confusion, head bowed to meet my gaze.
“I can’t do this. I’m sorry I even got this far, Bee. Let’s turn around and I’ll take you to the top of the mountain. You should still have time for your New Year, NewYouplan.” I stumbled over the words as I rushed to get them out. “I’m sorry.”
A flash of her usual ferocity blinked in her eyes, quickly replaced with a sad acceptance.
“I can’t let a woman lose her home just so I can show off my tatas to Slippery Slopes.”
“Wait, what?—”
“Well, it’s not like Iintendto show them,” she explained with a flick of her wrist. “But you’ve met them. I mean, they really have trouble staying in that bikini top.”
I stared at her covered chest and remembered all the times I’d licked and played with her breasts just a few hours ago. Even before she graciously gave me access to them, they did seem to crave freedom.
“Owen?” She clapped gloved hands in front of my face. I shook my head and focused on her here and now. “It’s too late. You don’t get to be the stoic, self-sacrificing one this time. I’m choosing to do that. I’ll be the hero,” she said teasingly but determined. It was the same look she’d had when she didn’t want to get on the tram last night.
