I opened my mouth in pain. I shared more with her than anybody. But it wasn’t enough.
I wasn’t enough.
Not enough, not enough, not enough.
My mouth opened and closed, and all words failed me. I’d never been in this position. I couldn’t formulate a single sentence.
Sophie dropped her shoulders and sighed with emotion. “I’m not something you need to fix.” She lifted her chin even as it quivered. “I just need to be alone.”
She left without looking back.
And I was alone again, unable to keep the person I loved.
Because I realized at that moment, I was not enough. And I never would be.
I just need to be alone.
I don’t know how to help the people who need me.
Alone.
Alone.
The room seemed to pulse in my eyeballs along with my racing heart.
“Pace? Are you okay?” Levi asked.
Watching her leave poured water on this grease fire, consuming my thoughts. I was too far gone to stop the pain from taking over my brain.
“I-I got to go.”
He called something after me, I think offering a ride, but I was too far checked out. This perfect evening had turned entirely upside down. And at the end of it all, I had nobody to blame but myself.
30
Sophie
I never thoughtthere would come a day when diamond painting art would elicit no feelings in me. Or actually, that’s exactly why I did these hobbies and crafts. Because I wanted to be numb, and yet, here I sat, in my bubble of safety, back to the steady, unadventurous life I had before, still feeling all the things,missingall the things.
And by things, I meanthim. Pace.
I also missed *gasp* leaving the house and seeing people. Even if I hated the process leading up to it, I was always glad I’d done it. It made me think again of Pace’s insistence that the cost of admission to community was being put out from time to time. And looking back on these months with Pace, there was nothing I regretted, because everything led me to feel more confident in myself and got me to spend more time with Pace.
In the weeks since the ball, I made myself an appointment with Dr. Spinner even though I hadn’t talked to her since the “breakup.”
Do it scared.
I drove out to her office in the city, dealing with the drive on the interstate and parking with other cars around. I was anxious as I planned it out, but I did it all and imagined Pace there with me. It hurt to imagine him cheering me on when he’d been so different the night of the ball. So scared. But he was with me as I drove into town. I pretended it was him patiently talking me through scary downtown parking and again as I studied the map to pick a place to have lunchby myselfafterward. His safety and presence were there in my mind as though he was still next to me, rooting me on.
My catch-up with Dr. Spinner left her with a stunned smile.
“Sophie, wow. You did all that? And you came here today. That’s incredible,” she said, her eyes gleaming with pride behind colorful rimmed glasses.
“It was easier with Pace,” I admitted. I wondered if it would still count if she knew I’d had him there for so much of it.
“People with broken legs still need crutches. You were still the one who made things happen. You were the one who wrote the list and put all of this into motion. I’m extremely proud of you. No matter what you think, everything you accomplished is huge. You should be proud of you too.”
I agreed that I was proud but planned to talk to her again next month in the new year. She apologized again for ever making me think that she was breaking up with me, and in hindsight, I may have been a bit touchy about the whole thing. I knew even back then that she was right. That I’d stagnated in life, using my mental health diagnosis to keep me from trying to change my circumstances. I was one of the lucky ones, and while I wasn’t diminishing how real and hard things were for me, I also recognized that I was privileged enough to be physically able to change things in small ways. That my mental health issues weren’t everything about me, just a part of me.
