These last weeks, I’d pushed so hard to outrun my thoughts that once I stopped, I just collapsed. I lay on my back, unable to do another rep. I stared at the ceiling. Breaths coming fast, muscles twitching from exertion. The pain of missing her sat on my chest heavier than the bar resting on it. I missed her so much.
I closed my eyes, and the second I did, she was there. No miles of running made me stop remembering the smell of her shampoo as I held her in my arms. No amount of bench presses could block out the feel of her when she came around me.
I was close to tears, wondering if I would ever be able to lift this bar again.
A pair of hands materialized to help me lift the weight. I pushed with everything I had left as I said, “Fuuuuuck.”
The bar was placed back on the stand. Levi stood with arms crossed and an angry look on his face.
“Thanks,” I said.
“You know better than that.” He glared at the bar we’d just reset.
I sighed, hiding my face in the towel I used to wipe my sweat.
“Shower and get dressed. We’re going out,” he demanded.
“I don’t want to.”
Mustering the energy to do any of that felt impossible. It was clear to me now how pain could lead people to a life of solitude. It was easier to convince yourself that nobody wanted you to begin with, that you were helping them by staying away.
“Too bad.”
A different towel hit me in the face.
After struggling through a shower and throwing on clothes, I walked with Levi in stubborn silence the short distance to Main Street and the Lily Carmichael Gallery. I wasn’t ready to be the first to talk.
After unlocking the back door and flipping on some lights, Levi strode in.
I sighed and fidgeted with my winter hat at the threshold. It was cold today, and there was the smell of snow in the air.
“No more avoiding shit. We are going to talk,” he said as he moved through the room, lights coming on as he went. “Come here.”
A nervous nausea gripped me, and I couldn’t remember the last time I ate. We went to the back room.
“Claire and Sophie went out to Bookers the other night,” Levi said, and it was like he punched me in the gut.
“Is she—that’s good,” I said instead of asking what I really wanted.Was she okay? Did she hate me?
“She’s doing good. Despite ... everything,” he said.
“I’m glad they’re friends still. And she’s getting out,” I said honestly. Even though jealousy roared through my blood. It was the most I had felt in days.
“It’s painful to lean into the things that scare you, but that’s the only way to get through them,” Levi said.
“Yes. Exactly. That’s what I’ve been telling Sophie this whole time.”
He blinked at me, unimpressed. “I wasn’t referring to her. Even though she is a badass, this isn’t about her.”
“What isn’t?”
Everything felt like it was about her. The air that I breathed was about her. The low-hanging winter sun in the sky was about her.
“Whatever is going on with you lately,” he said. “Why you decided to propose to another woman instead of just talking toher.” He held up a hand when I opened my mouth to defend myself. “And don’t even pretend that you are fine. Because you were struggling before you found that list, and you used helping Sophie to avoid whatever is going on with you.”
“Don’t sugarcoat it for me.” I slumped onto the stool in the small back office.
“Tell me I’m wrong.”
