She paused to look at me closely, trying to suss out some hidden facts.
“I feel like you’re still keeping something from me, and that’s okay. Lord knows you’re a grown woman. I’m always going to have your back.” She put the bottle down to rest a hand on my head. “And I worried after today, and hearing that you were out together. I thought maybe something happened.”
I shook my head sadly. A nap and a full stomach had given me some perspective, but not enough to make me overlook how today had gone. He had tried to help, and I’d be forever grateful for him doing that. A few minutes couldn’t accurately explainwhat a lifetime of being trapped in this brain felt like. But even when I told him I needed to stop, he kept pushing. It wasn’t entirely his fault, but it was still exhausting.
Another sign that this friendship, or whatever it was, was actually doomed from the get-go.
Sometimes I felt like I had the mind of someone really intelligent stuck in a broken physical body. And I couldn’t tell if I would rather have the mind to match the body or the ability to clearly convey what happened in my mind. I never felt like I was on the same page with myself.
“But the thing with Pace is that I don’t think he’s too good or anything like that. It’s more like, I don’t see how it would work. He’s all—” Here I did a dramatic pantomime of a happy puppy, complete with my hands under my chin, tongue lolling. “And I’m like womp womp.” I curved my hands in and rounded my shoulders.
“I don’t get that one. What are you doing now?” Grandma El asked.
“It’s like a sad sloth or something. These are my claws.” My fingers curved in to help demonstrate. “I don’t know.”
“Ah. Wait, so you’re too slow?” She held her chin in thought, head tilted.
“No. I just mean.” I flattened my hands along the cool tile countertops, enjoying how they felt on my heated palms. “How would it work going out? I have to fight from having a panic attack every time a creepy man looks at me at the gas station. Pace is always active, meeting people, and doing things. I’d just be hovering around him like a gnat. Or more like a silent shadow in the space behind him.” I scrunched up my face. “All this is moot. We aren’t dating. I guarantee he doesn’t see me as anything more than a hapless charity case.”
Grandma made a sound. “Men don’t usually have a habit of hanging around young, beautiful women just out of the goodness of their hearts. I’m just saying.”
“Men like Pace Leigh do. Trust me. He’s a helper.”
She shook her head at once in a little dance shoulder-shake thing. “I agree that he’s a helper, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t also looking for something more. Everybody has their demons. Maybe he’s lonely too and just wants to be around you? Being surrounded by people doesn’t mean you aren’t lonely, you know.”
I looked at my grandma, and my heart tugged guiltily. I had been so self-absorbed. That was the thing with this type of anxiety: it made it nearly impossible to see outside your own worldview. Was she trying to tell me that she was lonely? Should I make more of an effort to check on her and spend time with her? I leaned forward to squeeze her hand.
“Grandma, are you lonely?” I asked.
There was a beat as she gave me a blank stare. Then loudly she said, “Oh, hell no.” She put her hand on mine, threw her head back, and laughed. “I spent forty years being the live-in help of a man.” (My grandpa had passed away shortly after I came to live with her. I didn’t remember much about him except the stale smell of cigars and an awkward tension in the room whenever he was in it.) “No. Love, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. But Pace. He seems like he is always trying to prove just how helpful he is. Ever since that girl broke his heart. He’s been chasing something.”
Ah, yes, theotherbig fat elephant in the room. The ex that broke his heart. Even if I thought there was a chance that Pace was attracted to me, it would only ever be surface. Everybody knew he would forever be hung up on his first love.
“I think I know what you mean. I sort of have the feeling when I’m with him, he’s only half there. Like, I’m getting aversion of him like everyone else. I am more myself with him than I am with anybody besides you. That’s really scary as I say it out loud. I don’t want to go and form an attachment to someone who is still hung up on their ex or emotionally unavailable. So. This is just fun.” I sighed and dropped my head.
“Just give him time. And make sure you’re clear about what you need too. It doesn’t have to be some big thing.”
I nodded.
“Whatever this is. You two let yourselves enjoy it. It’s okay if it’s just a little fun. I am proud of you today. And if that’s all you can do all week, then so be it. Progress is still progress even if it isn’t always sprinting forward.”
“That’s a good one,” I said, referring to the inspirational quote.
Did being the good-time guy ever get old? If I wasn’t mistaken, there had been just a flash of something when I thanked him for being a distraction. Not hurt, but maybe a little sting?
It felt impossible to think that Pace lacked anything in his life, but then again, everybody hides their pain, and maybe I’d been holding on to some of my own prejudices.
15
Pace
Almost a week later,I was thirty reps into a muscle-splitting bench-press set and still thinking about Sophie. A tall oscillating fan hummed in the corner of my small home gym, formerly a garage. I had the door wide open, letting the breeze in, cooling the sweat prickling my body. I knew better than to heavy lift solo, so I kept the weight light with high reps. Just enough to really feel the burn. And burn it did. My lack of activity with Sophie meant I pushed myself harder than ever in muscle gain.
In the last several days, I still hadn’t worked up the courage to reach out to her. Had that ship sailed? Every time I thought about swinging by the shop or shooting her a casual text, I would just get worked up about saying the wrong thing. Despite exchanging phone numbers at the bonfire, it felt so intimate to reach out without a solid reason. I would imagine all the different ways I’d mess up, causing an awkward tension between us. If my constant overthinking and racing thoughts were just a fraction of what it was like all the time in her head, then I hadreally fucked up with her. I had no idea what she lived with every day.
I pushed the bar off with a grunt, maybe a little unnecessarily loud, but it felt good to get out some of my frustration. Across the street, I saw the Silver Sneakers group walk by. For the third time. They waved again, and I chuckled back with a salute.
Just as I was about to lie back down, Levi walked in with Claire in tow.
