I held up my hands. “Fires are not something to joke about.”
“I know,” he said solemnly. “That’s why I’m not joking. I would rather completely cut myself off and avoid everything that could potentially bring me joy because the idea of being out and thinking or talking about Mom felt so unmanageable that it wasn’t worth it. In my mind and my body, it was as scary as walking into pain and danger.”
“Yeah.” I had come to that conclusion over the last week, how hard it was for her. I had replayed everything she’d said to me over and over, finally hearing what she tried to tell me and wishing I had understood in that moment. “Her trying to do this list, it’s like actively choosing to walk through fire,” I said.
Levi nodded. “Exactly.”
“I want to make it all better. I want to take her worries away. But she told me she’s just wired that way,” I said.
“Some people are.” Claire nodded with understanding. “And honestly, people like you, Pace, are a marvel to people like us. I’m always speaking too much or not enough, and my anxiety about it makes me physically ill. When I see people like you, it seems so easy. Like the deck is stacked against us for no reason at all.”
I could share that it wasn’t always so easy for me. But I knew that wasn’t what Claire meant, and now it wasn’t about me.
When I looked up, Levi was doing his freaky best-friend stare.
I thought of how I felt when I first found that list, that feeling of purpose. I groaned and looked back to Claire and Levi. “I told her that everybody feels stupid, and she just needed to try harder.” I pushed my plate away and dropped my head in my hands. “God, I’ve been so condescending. Soblah blah blahlet me tell you how it’s done.” I physically cringed looking back at what I said to her.
“What you said was probably true in some regards,” Claire said with a wince.
“And also, something she probably knows,” Levi finished. “But that doesn’t make it any easier.”
“I don’t know what to do,” I said.
“You had your heart in the right place. I’m sure she knows that too. I just think you forget what a spectrum all our minds are. It would be wonderful if just one or two things fixed her, but likely, if her anxiety is to the point where it sounds like it is, then she’s going to be dealing with this the rest of her life. It’s woven into her.”
I nodded. I knew this. I did all this research. That’s what was so frustrating.
“I don’t think I’m the right person for this.” I thought that I was. The collected sugar flew all over the table as I sighed. I had been so hopeful when I found that note, and now, knowing Sophie, I wanted to help her even more. I wanted to be around her all the time.
“I’m sure if that was true, she would have never gone with you to begin with. I think that you did good. And have the potential to do better. You might have to go at a slower pace. Ha!” Claire shouted and slapped the table. A few people glancedat our group. I did a double take to the booth in the opposite corner where the group of sporty grannies now sat. At least, I thought it was them, their plastic menus shot up to hide their faces when I looked back. “Slowerpace,” Claire explained with emphasis.
A smile spread over Levi’s features, and he bent to kiss her temple. What a little nerd. These two were too much. It caused a pang that had me rubbing at my chest. Maybe a double bacon burger after my workout wasn’t the best idea.
“Sorry.” She flushed, biting her lip when they both remembered I existed.
“Do you want to help Sophie, or is there something else going on?” Levi asked.
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them that I’d been feeling so empty lately. That this had been the first time I didn’t feel like I was playing a character of someone, but their brows had already been so creased with worry that I went with another truth.
“I feel protective of her, but I don’t want to make her feel infantilized. She already mentioned a few times how this anxiety makes her feel like a helpless child. But it’s not that. When I think about her and what she’s going through, I want to fix it for her and make it better, so she is happy all the time.”
They shared another of those annoying coupley know-it-all looks.
“You can’t fix it,” Levi said. “You just can’t. But you might be able to provide peace, and to some people that’s worth everything.”
“Some peace?” I let the words settle in.
She might need someone to feel safe with. I don’t have to be soon.I just have to be there. Next time, I won’t be a distraction or pull the spotlight to me. I would be present with her.
I felt better to have a plan. I wasn’t ready to let Sophie give up on me. I had to help her.
“Ahem, excuse me.” An older woman’s voice had me looking up.
It was one of the stalking grannies.
I grinned wildly, knowing that my dimples were on full display.
“Aaand he’s back,” Claire muttered quietly as we all exchanged hellos.
