“Oh.” He meant aboutme. Oh God. This was going to kill me, and yet I never wanted him to stop. Pet my head and tell me I’m pretty because I guess I really am that basic.
“That’s true. I guess,” I said with reluctance. “Thank you, but you really don’t?—”
“Ah, ah. I have four more where that came from.” He held up a finger to stop me.
“This is really not?—”
“What are you talking about? I could do a hundred more. This is easy. This is fun,” he said with a laugh.
Torn between absolutely wanting him to go on forever and, at the same time, finding this too extreme an exercise in discomfort, I froze.
“Am I allowed to say things like you’re beautiful? Or is that one of those compliments that don’t count?”
“Oh, um.” Heat seared up my face. I bit my tongue to keep from saying that it had to be true, but then thought that it would sound like I was fishing for compliments.
“I know. It can be about looks if it’s something you work at, right? Like how I work out all the time?” he asked.
I had no idea where this was going.
“No, better yet.” He snapped his fingers excitedly.
Had anybody outside of my family called me beautiful? A voice in my head screamed,No, seriously, call me pretty, I didn’t mind!
“Two: You know so much about a lot of different things. I think that pretty much any topic you could throw a comment in,” he said.
I nodded, jaw clenched, trying hard not to make excuses.Sit in the discomfort, as Dr. Spinner would say.
“Three: You’re also really funny. It catches me off guard, but sometimes I’ll be at work, just in the kitchen cooking, and thenI’ll see something that makes me think of a joke you said. Ninja humor.”
“I think that you’re funny too,” I said.
He beamed. “Thanks, but this isn’t about me.”
I was on fire from the inside out, inflamed by his compliments. He was a fireman, for crying out loud! Couldn’t he see how I burned for him? He had fully admitted that he thought about me when we weren’t together. Did he not realize that was such a huge revelation for me? He was lost in thought, curling the brim of his hat repeatedly as he constantly fidgeted.
“Four: You notice things that other people don’t notice. You have a childlike wonder. I love that. It’s making me notice things now too.”
I bit my lip.
“Okay, I’m just gonna say it. Five: You’re beautiful. I feel like that’s cheating, since that’s a given. I bet that you would be able to come up with something more creative. But it’s got to be said.” He lifted and dropped his shoulders. “But, yeah. You’re beautiful.”
“Thank you,” I said.
And then I gave up on any pretense of this only being a crush.
18
Pace
Sophieand I were meeting again this morning, and I couldn’t stop smiling. Every time I looked up in the mirror, a big old grin painted my face. I was determined to continue the success of our trip to the gym last week.
I’d replayed every moment repeatedly. We’d marked something off the list, and that was a huge accomplishment. It felt like something had shifted. I had been so fiercely protective of her when those people had talked to her. I felt embarrassed by my strong reaction, worried I had gone too far. But my thoughts weren’t fixated only on how she might feel about my actions, but also on how physically engrossed I was with her. I kept having to remind myself to ask permission before touching her, as though my hands would just get a life of their own. Her skin had been so soft. Her scent made me heady and distracted. Her tentative smiles and nervous laughter made me want to scoop her up and hold her. She had been so courageous, even though her fears had her shaking. Stretching her on the mat had changed something in me too. I hadn’t stopped thinking abouthow easily she followed my commands, moved into just the right positions. I took so many cold plunges this week that the guys at the firehouse were starting to worry. Thankfully, work had been busy and distracting. By the time we were able to meet again today, I was sure I’d built it up in my head.
As soon as I saw her this morning, I’d remember that I was just here to help and nothing more.
I sat in my idling truck in front of her shop, waiting for her. I tapped my fingers impatiently along the steering wheel, preparing myself to just be cool.
And then she came out, and the breath left my chest. I caught my reflection in the rearview mirror, and I was back to grinning like an idiot.
