I thought of Levi and Claire in the front seat, quietly chatting as we drove. Of Grandma El, shuffling back and forth between us all night.
And Pace. Pace, who has been here for every step of my transformation.
My heart ached with so many feelings, and as though he sensed it, he squeezed my hand in his.
“It’s going to be great,” he said before we got out of the car and moved to the building.
I nodded and desperately wanted to believe him.
The city hall convention center had been transformed. It was impressive how this small town could take this shabby, squat cement building and change it completely into a grand winter garden. Frosted glass and sage-green centerpieces. Soft twinkling lights were strewn around thin pine trees placed in groupings and tucked away in corners. It smelled of pine and a mix of fancy perfumes and colognes. A man and woman, also sitting to the side, strummed acoustic guitars, adding a festive, happy vibe without being too holiday.
After a quick meal and some speeches to thank all the donors, a dance floor was erected. Pace wasted no time.
“Ready?” he asked, extending his hand, a hesitant smile on his face.
As if I could say no to him. As if I ever wanted to. I swallowed down any remaining nerves and let myself be swooped to the dance floor to complete this list once and for all.
He brought me into his arms as a soft, slow song filled the air. He smelled incredible, and I nuzzled him, studying the depths of colors in his eyes. His hand on my lower back pulled me closer and seemed unable to be still, gently playing with the fabric of my gown. It sent chills up my spine.
Even as I tried to stay present in the moment, this whole day moved too fast. I wanted to be in his arms forever. I wanted to remember the way he held me until I was old and gray. I wanted to remember what it felt like to be young and beautiful if only for one perfect night, with one incredible man.
It was something out of a dream. The good sort of daydreams I had when I was younger, not the stress dreams I had now, where my teeth fall out, or I’ve forgotten to go to my college math class for the entire semester, and now there was a test.
This was the stuff of fantasy. Things I hadn’t let myself imagine since age nine, when I started to understand that I didn’t look or act like the other girls around me.
I felt like a beautiful person on the arm of themosthandsome man.
The way he looked down at me now made me feel even more beautiful.
The final item of the list had been checked off. And I was changed.
I checked in with my body to see if I felt different.
I stopped the worry before I could spiral. Around us were the soft murmurs of other couples on the dance floor, the clinking of glasses, and music playing, but all I wanted was this bubble of perfection with Pace. I wanted to hold him tight, have him squeeze me to remind me this was real and happening.
To my thrill, Pace carefully spun me out, my elegant dress swishing appealingly against my ankles, before twirling me back in. I grinned up at him.
“What are you thinking about?” he asked me. His gaze flicked back and forth between mine, as though trying to read every thought swirling there.
“That this is my wildest dream come true,” I said.
He smiled down at me and tugged my hips closer.
I saw us from the outside, floating above, and we looked like the Pretty People. The sort of couple that I never thought I could be a part of. Him in his amazing tux and me in this gown. But I was still me, I still felt like me, awkward and often ruled by the broken bits of my brain, and yet I looked like I fit. Maybe everybody walked around with broken parts, and we were all pretending to be okay.
I never knew that I could switch sides like this—that all it took was faking it until you made it. I’d be exhausted for the next week, but I was at least normal passing for tonight. I wouldn’t be able to live like this all the time, but I felt hopeful that I could find more of a balance.
I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for Pace. I owed him my life.
More than that, I owed him my future. It spread out before me for once, overflowing with hope and possibility. It felt as though I was on the precipice of a new life.
How did I thank him for giving me access to a part of myself that I thought I’d never find? How could I possibly express how much I’d grown to care for him? I opened my mouth, hoping the right words would come.
His body tensed, and we stumbled to a note of the music. When I looked up, his easy smile had slipped momentarily.
“What’s wrong?” I asked instead.
“Nothing. I just thought I saw someone.” He looked back to me and smiled, but now that I’d memorized all of Pace’s manytypes of smiles, this was the one that I knew didn’t reach his eyes.
