“That’s not like you.”
He let his words hang there for a moment, then asked, “Why?”
Liesel looked down at her hands, then out the window. “Because I needed time to think. Really think. And I knew that if I heard your voice, even once, I’d stop thinking and start feeling.”
“I don’t understand, Liesel,” he said, confused. “What’s wrong with feeling something?”
“I’m afraid, Caspian,” she said.
“Of what?”
“Of believing something just because I want it to be true,” she said, her eyes finally meeting his. “I love you, but I don’t know if we make sense in the long run. You’re always half here, half somewhere else.”
“That’s not fair,” he said quietly.
“That’s just the thing. It’s not about being fair. It’s about being honest with each other.”
Caspian sighed, leaning back into the love seat, his hand curling around the armrest. “You think I want this life? You think I wake up excited to lie to people? You think I like getting shot at? You think I like ... killing people? I don’t, Liesel.”
“Maybe, but you’re good at it, and I think a part of you needs it.”
He didn’t reply, and he studied her for a long moment, unsure how to respond.
“Again, I love you,” she said, “but I’m not sure you’re right for me. Or that I’m right for you.”
He opened his mouth to protest, but she raised her hand.
“Don’t say anything. Not yet, okay? Just ... think about what I said. Be honest with yourself. I’ve had time to do that. You didn’t. I figured out what I want. You need to do the same.”
Caspian’s gaze dropped to the floor. His heart hammered in his chest. There was so much he wanted to say to Liesel. There was a knock, then the sunroom door cracked open, and Elizabeth Anderson poked her head in, her bright green eyes flicking from Caspian to Liesel.
“The appetizers are out,” she said, cheerful as always. “And we need Liesel to select the wine, because if we let Richard do it ...”
Liesel smiled, stood, then crossed the room. She hugged Elizabeth tightly, then made her way to the kitchen.
Elizabeth turned to him and said, “She had puffy eyes earlier. Everything okay between you two?”
“We’re figuring things out,” he replied.
His mother stepped farther in, then sat next to him. “Please do, Caspian. Because that woman is special. Treat her well. Don’t mess this up.”
That made him smile, just a little. “I’m trying not to.”
His mother tilted her head, studying him. “I can see you’re conflicted. A mom knows when her child isn’t at peace. And you’re not. And Nelson isn’t either.”
Caspian didn’t argue. She was right. He wasn’t in a good place right now.
“You’re good men, both of you,” she said. “But you live very different lives. Yours is ... so dark, love. So freaking dark. Nelson’s life isn’t easy, either, but he’s always been ... light. Even when things were hard. But today, he’s different. I feel like you brought your brother into your world. And he’s not built for that.”
“Nelson’s strong,” he said.
“I didn’t say he wasn’t,” Elizabeth said. “But Nelson is ... he’s softer inside. He laughs more, and he believes people are good until they prove otherwise.”
“But I don’t,” he said. “I’m aware.”
His mother reached for his hand. “I don’t want this to be who you are forever,” she said. “I’m not exactly sure what it is that you do, but I’m not stupid. I think I have an idea.”
Caspian looked down at her hand wrapped around his. But he said nothing.
