Harder than telling her he’d been forced on heroin and tortured for four days? That surprised—and terrified—her. She wanted to comfort him, to help him in his agitation, but she wasn’t sure how when she didn’t know what was bothering him.
“While Becks and I were held captive, they kept me high pretty consistently. I tried to escape the one time they misseda dose, and after that, it was nonstop. I don’t remember much. I’m not even sure what’s real or fictional.” He stopped moving, but kept the distance between them. “Ritchie was the one who tortured me. I remember that. But Cameron… She tried her own kind of persuasion.”
As Ranger struggled to speak, Toni recalled his words from earlier. How they’d starved him, tortured him, and sexually assaulted him. Did he even remember saying those words or had he been so far into his story that he’d let that detail slip? To be honest, he’d said so much that it had been a small detail in the grand scheme of things.
“She raped you.”
Ranger closed his eyes, his jaw tightening so much that it was a wonder he didn’t break his teeth. He seemed to be holding his breath before letting it out very, very slowly. Then he nodded. “I hate that word. Not because of what it means or signifies, because it seems too big and terrible a word for what happened to me. She did not anally rape me or make me have vaginal sex with her. She tried to give me a blowjob. It feels…ridiculous to even call it rape when there are actual rape victims out there. Ones who suffered so much more than I did.”
Toni stared at his profile in the dark, not sure what to say or do. How to argue with his point of view without insulting him or emasculating him. Admitting to the woman he had growing feelings for that he’d been raped had to be hard enough, and she wanted to commend the courage it took to tell her.
“My therapist would scold me if he could hear me now. He keeps trying to get me to understand the broadness of the word ‘rape’, to accept what happened so the memories don’t hold power over me anymore. But it’s difficult, when I don’t know if what I remember is real or something my mind created to fill in the blank spots that were torturing me more than that fucking baseball bat.”
Toni winced, not needing to ask what baseball bat he was referring to. No doubt Ritchie had used one on Ranger when he was too high to defend himself.
“He’s right,” Toni interjected, not wanting Ranger to fall down the rabbit hole of despair. “You survived, Liam. And beyond that, you didn’t end up living as celibate as a monk. You are stronger than anything she did to you.”
Ranger shifted his head to look at her out of the corner of his eye. “Pretty sure your sexy ass didn’t give me much of a choice in that regard.”
“Hey, do not underestimate the power of a sexy ass,” she quipped. Approaching him, Toni said softer, “In all seriousness, I am beyond proud of you, Liam. After everything you overcame, you’re still standing.” Toni pointed down to the ground, not entirely sure she was hitting the unmarked grave, but figured she was close enough to count. “You’re doing a hell of a lot better than they are. You are extraordinarily strong, and I never want you to think that I think less of you because of your addiction or trauma. What you shared with me tonight took courage, Liam.”
He reached up to run the back of his fingers down her cheek. “You’re incredible,” he whispered. “I expected you to run from me once you heard my story, and yet here you are.”
Toni reached up, bringing his callused hand to her mouth for a kiss. “Hereweare. I take it, this is why you’ve been keeping your clothes on and why you won’t let me touch you during sex.”
He nodded stiffly. “I don’t know if oral sex is something I’ll ever be able to do with you, Toni. You need to know that going in.”
“Then we don’t. Personally, I’ve never been a big fan of blowjobs. I got a bit self-conscious during college when a guy I was seeing told me I snorted like a pig.” Her cheeks flushed. “It’s never been a favorite activity of mine in the bedroom, but I’vedone it because guys expect it. So if we don’t, we don’t. It’s not a dealbreaker for me, Liam.”
“First, don’t ever bring up anything you’ve done in the past with other men. Not unless you’re prepared to give me a list of names and start digging while I go hunt the fuckers down. Second, I appreciate you telling me that, but I also meant for you. I’m not sure I can go down on you.”
Toni’s cheeks flushed. “Oh! Well… I mean, I don’t… I’ve never… Fuck, how do I say this without making you go all neanderthal on my exes?”
“No one’s ever gone down on you before?” The astonishment in his voice made Toni shrug awkwardly in answer. “Fucking fools.” He let out a dry laugh. “Then again, look at me. I want to, but not sure I can.”
“It’s not a requirement, Liam,” Toni pressed. “Anything we do, we do because webothwant it. Not because one thinks the other enjoys it even when they don’t. That’s not consent for me, and I want no part of it.”
He cupped her cheeks between his hands before bending down to kiss her. “Incredible,” he repeated. “How about we put a pin in it for now, and if it’s something we want to introduce into our sex life, we talk to my therapist about it first?”
Toni smiled up at him. “I love that idea. Are we ready to head back then?”
Ranger stepped back, crossing his arms over his chest. “There’s more.”
Toni’s jaw dropped. “Holy fuck, man! And you couldn’t have told me all this near a bathroom?”
Ranger chuckled, eyes on the starry sky. “Nature’s bathroom is right here.”
Toni shook her head. “Uh huh. I am not peeing out in the middle of the woods with no toilet paper.”
“I’ll find you a leaf,” Ranger said with a far too nonchalant shrug. “You’ll need to get one of those she-wee things to take a piss when we go hiking anyway.”
Toni blinked at his back as he started searching the ground in earnest. “I’m sorry. A what-now for when we go hi-a-whating?”
“Hiking,” Ranger called back over his shoulder. “You know, putting one foot in front of another out in the wilderness and the great outdoors. Can you believe kids actually have a name for going outside? Touching grass. Like they actually have to be reminded there’s a whole world beyond their computer screen! Fucking ridiculous.”
“Liam!” Toni snapped. “I don’t know if you haven’t noticed by having you basicallycarryme here, but I am not exactly a hiking sort of girl. I’ve never peed in the woods, and frankly, that’s not something that’s ever been on my bucket list of things to do.”
“Ha! Found one.” He grabbed something from the ground. “Remember to dab, not wipe. But it’s probably a good thing you’re pissing. We got to talking, and you never went after we had sex. Don’t want you to get a UTI.” He held out a fucking leaf to her.
