Despite the guilt she felt about making Becks worry, Toni chuckled at that statement.
Toni: I will yield this argument for her health and mental safety.
Liam: Thank you.
Toni: Did you really get in trouble with her?
Liam: Yeah, but I can’t exactly blame her.
Toni cringed, recalling Ranger’s story about his relapse and stay in rehab. She knew he carried a lot of guilt over his actions four months ago.
Toni: You can’t blame yourself either.
Liam: Pot, meet kettle.
Toni: Touché.
Toni: I wish I knew where my mom was. I feel like if I could just find her, I’d have all the answers to what happened.
Liam: I know, baby. It might take some time, but we’ll find her. No one can hide from Keys forever.
Toni: Steel said the same thing to me once. I’m not sure if it makes me feel better or worse that she’s remained hidden this long.
Liam: I can’t answer that. All I can promise is that we’ll get to the bottom of this. It just might take some time.
Toni: This is depressing me. Can we talk about something else?
Liam: Sure. What do you want to talk about?
Toni: How’re you feeling? I feel like with everything we talked about, we barely talked about your sobriety.
Liam: I don’t really know where to start with that. It’s like a cloud that follows me everywhere and I know I’ll never get rid of. I’m sick of people looking at me with pity, like I’m dying or have cancer. The rules are the worst, though. 34 fucking years old and I have a curfew. But I get it & I’m not fighting it this time around.
Liam: That’s what got me into trouble the last time. Thinking I was strong enough to resist on my own because it wasn’t my choice to use in the first place.
Toni: I can’t imagine. But realizing you need help or can’t do this on your own doesn’t make you weak. You know that, right?
Liam: I do. Just needed to hit rock bottom to get the lesson.
Toni: You’re being very practical about this. I noticed when we were talking earlier. I like that you aren’t skirting around what happened & that you’re willing to do the time in the program. I’ve seen many successes and many failures in AA. I also know that most of those failures occurred because people were trying to go it alone & didn’t reach out when they needed help.
Liam: You’re not responsible for your parents’ relapse, baby.
Toni: I know. I wasn’t actually thinking about them. Or more specifically, I’m trying really hard NOT to think about them.
Liam: My apologies then. I shouldn’t have assumed.
Toni: No, it’s okay. They’re going to be the elephant in the room for a while. I just don’t want to talk about them anymore tonight.
Liam: Completely understood. I know I have a good support system. There are even a number of the club who attended Al-Anon prior to my release from rehab. Even so, it’s never going to go away. While I was in rehab, I kept thinking of when my club brother Pumpkin was in rehab—only his was for injuries he sustained in his motorcycle accident. He pushed and he did everything he could to get back home to his son. It took a lot to get him to where he is, including having to use a walker or cane for a while. But now he’s healed, and looking at him, you’d never know what he went through unless you’re told. The same can be said about me. Just looking at me, you’d never know I was an addict. But unlike him, I’ll never be healed. There is no cure. & while I no longer struggle with the despair of that, I still get angry about it.
Toni: I’m sorry to hear about Pumpkin. Can you promise me something?
Liam: Anything.
Toni: If you feel yourself starting to get angry or you’re having a bad day, just tell me. We can have a codeword if needed. Just something so I know so I don’t make your day worse.
Liam: Absolutely. I have the same promise with Becks and Ghost.
