Aubrey covers her eyes with her hands. “Please don’t tell me Rose tagged along.”
“Indeed she did,” I reply. To this day, I’m still salty about that more than anything.
“Oh my god, Aubrey,” Caroline says, elbowing our friend. “The worst part is that Mindy bought the sluttiest little bikini to wear on that excursion. We’re talking butt-floss-and-exposed-areolas level. She looked so hot in it, I wanted to bang her.”
“But you couldn’t wear it because your mother-in-law was with you,” Aubrey laments, her eyes brimming with sympathy.
I pop a chip in my mouth and nod. “You got it. At least we had sex that night, but the next day…”
Caroline and I share a knowing look, and she scrunches her eyes closed. “This part still makes me cringe.”
“What?” Aubrey asks eagerly.
I sigh. “On the third day, Rose showed up early for breakfast again, just as we were about to take advantage of the amazing rainfall shower in our cabana.”
“They were going to have sex there too,” Caroline supplies, and I snort out a laugh at her constant commentary.
“Anyway,” I draw out, “I was waiting for Roger in the shower, and he came in and whispered that his mother was there. I was so frustrated because we couldn’t exactly have shower sex with his mother ten feet away. We traded places and I put on a robe, but when I came out of the bathroom, Rose was making up our bed.” I wing one eyebrow upward. “That we’d had sex in the night before.”
Aubrey gasps. “Oh my fucking god.”
“My thoughts exactly. She said it would save the housekeeping ladies the trouble. But when she was smoothing the covers, she found my thong.”
Poor Aubrey sinks down in her chair with her mouth agape. “I would die. I would literally perish on the spot if Joey’s mother found my underwear in our bed. What happened next?”
“She just calmly set it on the nightstand while I was standing there speechless.” I blow out a breath. “Here’s where our little saga takes a turn for the worse.”
“Worse than your husband’s mother finding your used panties inyour sex bed?” she squeaks. Caroline lifts a knowing eyebrow and nods for me to continue.
“So, after our group breakfast, we all went shopping in Oranjestad. I was already stressed about how much extra this trip had cost once we added an extra person. Her flights, her private cabana, everything.” I blow out a stream of breath to calm myself from the anxiety of the memory. “Roger was paying for all of the souvenirs Rose was getting for herself and her friends, and I was literally biting my nails by that point. When he insisted I get a souvenir for myself, I just grabbed a T-shirt from the bargain rack.”
“That makes me so sad for you,” Aubrey says.
“I still have that ugly shirt. Most of the writing came off the first time I washed it.” I give her a half-smile before continuing. “Since we were staying at an all-inclusive resort, I wanted to go back there for lunch so we didn’t spend any more money. But Roger and Rose insisted on eating at some little diner one of Rose’s friends told her about.”
Caroline makes a retching sound, and I laugh. “The place was horrible.”
“Worse than Waffle House after midnight?” Aubrey inquires, and I’m suddenly hit with a memory from seven years ago. Fromthatnight. Withthatguy.
“I actually love a late-night Waffle House run. You never know what’s going to happen,” I say fondly before getting back on track. “Anyway, the place didn’t appear to be the most hygienic. There was food crusted on the menus, and the water was this yellowish color with little flecks floating in it.”
I shake my head and nibble on another chip. “Rose ordered beef enchiladas while Roger and I got chicken parm.”
“You ordered chicken from a gross restaurant?” Aubrey scolds in her nurse voice. “Never, ever, ever get the chicken. You wouldn’t believe the stuff we see in the emergency room from badly cooked or stored chicken.”
“Yeah. I know that now,” I remark dryly. “I’ve only started to be able to eat chicken again in the past few months.” I rub my stomach. “Vomiting for days made a lasting impression.”
“Tell her about your ass exploding,” Caroline says as the waiterwalks by our table with quick steps. Poor dude. I’m not sure I can ever show my face in this restaurant again.
“She’s a nurse,” I reply. “I think she can adequately deduce the things that were happening in our digestive tracts. Suffice it to say, we stayed in bed for the remainder of the trip. And when I sayin bed, I don’t mean that in a sexy way. Rose was amazing though. She came by several times a day and put cool cloths on our heads and tried to make sure we were drinking enough.”
“That’s the least she could do since it was her fault your entire honeymoon was ruined,” Caroline points out.
“Can we go back to your anniversary tonight?” Aubrey asks, and I nod, done with the hideous memories. “Why can you only have sex when Rose is gone? I mean, is she elderly and just wanders into the room while Roger is going to town on you?” She giggles at that last part.
“No, she’s only fifty-two. Roger’s just not comfortable doing it while she’s home. He’s afraid she’ll hear us.”
“So what?” Caro pipes up. “Again, let me remind you that you’re married. Has she complained about you being too loud during sex?”
