“Walker.” Toren rolled his head against the seat to look at me. “He doesn’t have a charter today. He made it up.”
Oh. So, he’d figured that out. I’d wondered if he would.
“Did he?” I kept my voice neutral and my eyes forward.
“You know he did.”
I lifted one shoulder and looked back at the road. “I don’t know anything. He called, said he was stuck, and asked if I could come get you. I came.”
That part was true, technically. Walker had called. I’d hesitated, because I wanted to respect Toren’s boundaries, but then Walker huffed and said, “Lana, the man’s an idiot, and he’s going to talk himself into being miserable for the rest of his life if somebody doesn’t lock him up with you for a while. Help me out here. I’m trying to help you too.”
I’d caved. Not because Walker asked, but because I knew he was right. I also, selfishly, wanted Toren to want a relationship with me. The sex couldn’t be that good and the rest of it not be worth fighting for.
Toren went quiet again, staring at the passing scenery for several minutes before he spoke again. “I’m not good at this.”
My fingers tightened on the wheel. “At what?” I asked, deliberately playing dumb. If I told him it was okay, he’d probably just clam up and not say more.
“This.” He gestured vaguely with his good hand. “Whatever happened Saturday. Whatever this is. I’m—” He stopped, took a breath, then started again. “I haven’t done this in a long time. On purpose.”
“Done what? Dated?”
“Felt anything.”
The words came out flat and quiet, and they hit me square in the chest.
“After Cara died, I shut it off. All of it. It was easier. You can’t lose what you don’t have.”
My fingers clenched, then unclenched, the steering wheel. I kept my eyes on the road to keep the car between the lines. “Oh?”
“But now there’s you.” He scrubbed his good hand over his face, continuing like I hadn’t spoken. “And I don’t know what to do with that. I look at you and I feel—” He stopped, shaking his head. “I told myself I’d never feel this way again. That I’m notallowedto feel this way.”
“Allowed?” I glanced at him. “What do you mean?”
He stared straight ahead. “Loving her nearly killed me when she died. I’m not sure I could survive that again. And there’s a part of me that feels like—like wanting you is a betrayal of her. Like I’m leaving her behind. Even though I know she’d want me to move on and be happy.”
Whoa.
I let that sit for a moment. Everything in me wanted to argue. To tell him he wasn’t betraying anyone, and that, like he said, Cara would want him to live. I would never ask him to forget her—just to make room. I wanted to tell him I’d been falling for him since the moment he agreed to my cockamamie plan.
But I didn’t.
It wouldn’t matter what I said. I couldn’t argue him out of his grief. He had to come to those realizations on his own. If I pushed too hard, I’d push him away and we’d never get past that one incredible night.
So, I just nodded. “Okay.”
His head turned, a small frown wrinkling his forehead. “Okay?”
“Yes.” I took a hand off the wheel to reach over and squeeze his forearm above his cast. “I’m not going to push you, Toren. You feel what you feel, and if you’re not ready, you’re not ready.” I kept my voice calm and light, even as my heart cracked a little, knowing I could be pining away for this man for many years tocome. “I’m not going anywhere. When you figure out what you want, you know where to find me.”
He was quiet a long moment. “That’s it?”
“That’s it. What did you expect? A fight?”
“Maybe.” One corner of his mouth twitched. “You strike me as the fighting type.”
I chuckled. “Oh, I am. Just not about this.” Not yet. “Some things you can’t win by fighting. You just make a mess.”
He studied me for a moment, those dark eyes still a little hazy, but there was a sharpness behind the haze. He wasn’t as drugged up as he appeared.
