Some of the stiffness left her shoulders, though she didn't smile."What, precisely, have you been idioticabout, Lord Redford?It is a long list."
He drew a breath."About you," he said simply."About myself.About what is possible between us."
Her fingers tightened against the orange tree's bark."You told my brother you would never marry," she said."You confirmed as much to me.That seemed perfectly clear."
"It was," he said."Perfectly clear and perfectly cowardly."
Her eyes widened.
He pressed on."I have spent years announcing that I would not marry, that I am unsuitable, that any woman foolish enough to attach herself to me would regret it.Itallowed me to behave as I pleased and call it sacrifice...to flirt and meddle and avoid all serious feeling, because I had declared myself a lost cause."He met her gaze."And then I met you."
Her throat worked."I did not ask you to change your mind."
"No," he said."That is rather the point.You asked for choice.I responded by making all the choices for both of us."
He took another step, leaving only a small space between them.
"When your brother warned me away," he said, "I did not tell him he was wrong.I told him I had no designs on you, that I would not drag you into scandal, that you deserved a safe, sensible man.I believed those things."A short, humorless laugh."I still do."
Her eyes flashed."Do you, now?"
"You deserve safety.You deserve respect.You deserve a man who does not roll out of bed wondering whether he will ruin your life before luncheon."
"James," she whispered.
His heart jolted.
"But," he said, "I was wrong about one important detail."
"And that is?"
"It is not for me to decide what makes you safe or happy or how much risk you are willing to endure.In trying to protect you from myself, I stripped you of the very choice you said you wanted."
"You never overstep where it matters," she said quietly."You know you hurt me with that, don't you?"
"Yes.I have been thinking of little else."
"Good," she muttered.
He almost smiled."It was easier to accept your declaration at Foxmere—to say, 'She wishes to be sensible, so I must be noble and let her.'It allowed me to keep my vow and call it virtue."He exhaled."Then I realized the only thing standing between me and asking for you was fear."
Her gaze searched his face.
"What are you afraid of?"she asked at last.
He hesitated.
"Of turning into my father," he said."Of gambling away peace, of drowning any affection I'm given in my own restlessness."
"You are not your father," she said automatically.
"I know.My accounts are tidy.I asked my solicitor for a full reckoning last week, and I am competent."Her lips twitched."But there is a part of me that has clung to the idea that I am fundamentally faulty, that anyone who comes too close will pay for it.It has been a convenient story.It kept me from wanting anything too much."
"And now?"she asked softly.
"Now," he said, "I want you too much for convenience."
"I am not asking for an answer this moment," he went on."But I would like, officially and without jokes, to put one question before you."He drew himself up."Esme, may I court you properly?"
