Chapter 14
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The truth stings.
Clara
I have done the thing.
The really bad, likely predictable…thing.
Swallowing hard, I scurry away once Viktor’s and Lukas’s treadmills start up again. Breath tight in my chest, I clutch my phone with Lukas’s tracking pulled up and flee my criminal activity.
Which is, of course,the eavesdropping trope.
I love her.
Supplication.
A friend.
My mind juggles what I’ve just learned, wrestles with it.
Lukaslovesme? Lukas genuinely last night was petitioning to hold me? Because he isdesperatefor it? Forme?
Lukas thinks I’ve been abused.
I scramble up the stairs, needing to get away before anyone who could incriminate me notices I’m here. Everyone else who lives here should still be asleep this early, but fear coils like a viper around me until I’m back in my room, pressing my back against the closed door.
Lukas loves me.
Romantically.
And he values me.
Intrinsically.
He values my well-being to such an extent that he is suffering this morning, voice breaking, because I saidnolast night, and he thinks I’ll always saynoto his feelings.
Shame hits me, hard, and guilt follows. But I can’t shake the sensation of warmth blooming in my body. I clamp a hand to my stomach, manage to keep my breaths from going too short.
It barely felt like I was saying no to him last night. He has made me feel so safe with him that I calculated my answer to whether or not I should stay with him from the guidelines he’s encouraged. I slept soundly. Because he wassogentle I didn’t feel like I’d done anything wrong. He stuffed his agony away and didn’t force me to feel a single drop.
He smiled, so bright, and took me to my room—and told me he was proud of me.
I fell asleep in the comfort and thrill that making my own decision resulted in such approval—regardless of what I assumed he wanted.
Now I learn that he shoved all his feelings out of sight, for my sake, because letting me know he approved of my choice was better for me than him getting his way. Confirming my autonomy meant more to him thanhim.
I can’t breathe.
My legs slowly give out, and I slip to the ground, fighting for air as my ears hum.
Hands planted against the carpet, I stare at the floor, feeling the thunder of my heart in my head.
Sand and soil.
Some people are sand…and some people are soil.
