Even though it doesn’t matter.
Even though the fact I’m not dropping everything to build a time machine for her and go back to when things weren’t complicated makes me the villain in her story already.
Maybe I want her to understand how badly she hurt me. Maybe I want her to hurt just as badly every time I don’t reply and she can feel that distance in the silence. Maybe I like knowing that she wants something I’m not letting her have anymore. Maybe that feels like vindication.
Maybe I’m the problem. Maybe I’ll always be the problem.
With Kyran, maybe it’s not that Ilove deeplyanddon’t want to get hurt.
Maybe I just know that I’m not a good person, but even I have limits and don’t want to harm someone who doesn’t deserve it. I respect Kyran. I’m grateful for all the joy his work has brought me. From the very first video of his I found, he had me laughing until I was crying.
I’ve always struggled to make friends. Losing the only one thatclickedwith me in an effortless way has me questioning all sorts of things about myself.
Primarily,why wasn’t I enough for her?
Would I be enough for Kyran?
Why do I want to be enough for him so…badly…
“Mora?” Maelin asks, setting the apron aside and moving to the bed with me. “What’s wrong?”
Staring dead ahead, I swallow—hard. “N-nothing. Why?”
“Your eyes just widened.” She holds her hand up to my cheek, comparing our skin tones. “And I think you’ve lost your melanin.”
I swat her hand away, then I hug her. “I just had a scary thought is all.”
“What sort of scary thought?” she asks, wrapping her arms around me.
The kind of thought that changes everything.
I’ve just realized that none of my struggle right now would matter at all if I didn’twantto be in a relationship with Kyran.
I’d roll my eyes.
I’d move on.
I wouldn’t keep thinking how nice it might be to thoroughly, and undeniably,undosomeone.
He’s painted a very clear and honest picture of what he wants.
It’s hard not to want to take the chance and trust him.
It’shardnot to want to believe that I am capable of being loved, consistently and unconditionally andpassionately.
“Mora?” Maelin prompts.
I snuggle her. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll figure it out. Thank you for letting me vent, Mae.”
Hesitant, she holds me tighter and says, “Anytime.”
Chapter 6
?
Wow. I love excuses. And also therapy.
Kyran
