“Ah, okay.” He turns on his heel, heading toward the door.
I grab his sweatshirt. “Where are you going?”
“To wring my little brother’s neck. Better to be a widow than an imprisoned bride, isn’t it?”
I grip tighter. “N-now, wait a minute. There’s no need for…allthat.” Sinking, I mutter, “Maybethere was duress…but maybe he also gave me a choice… Free will…was definitely involved.”
“Oh?” Kaleb faces me again, gentle smile warm and open. “So…what’s the problem?”
“I…” Feel like an idiot. Lowering my eyes to my shoes, I say, “I was hoping you’d know. I’m on edge, and I’ve just been reminded that my parents are going toflip, because they have noidea about any of this. And it all happened so fast. And I don’t know why I didn’t stop it at any of the moments when I had a chance. And I keep thinking how I don’t want this because I can’t want this, but then my body and brain won’t collaborate. And—”
“There’s a chance you do want it?” he says. “At least a little?”
“I…don’t know.”
“Kyran doesn’t spend his energy on people carelessly. It’s clear to all of us how much he cares about you. And, though maybe less clear, it’s obvious you care about him. Do you know the root of the problem?”
Breath shakes through me. “I…don’t think I’m good enough. It feels like I’ve stolen something that shouldn’t be mine, no matter how much I want it. And, worse, I’m scared he’s made a mistake. I don’t want to watch the realization that he doesn’t actually want…me…overcome him.”
“Whether or not we’re good enough for someone isn’t something we decide,” Kaleb says. “There will be people who come into our lives and decide we aren’t good enough. That’s inevitable. But it’s not a reflection of our innate worth; it’s just a revelation that no one meshes with everyone. You have innate worth, Morana. Kyran sees it. I see it. We deem you good enough for our family, in different ways, with different roles. That decision to welcome you into our hearts and our home isn’t made lightly, no matter how many other people have made the decision not to do the same.”
“And what if I’ve made that decision for them?” I blurt, tearing up. “What if theytried, but I haven’t let them? What if I’m the one making sure I’m not good enough, so I’ll never be good enough because of my own idiocy?”
He hums, lifting his hand and settling it atop my head. “What if you’re also at liberty to decide whether someone else is good enough for you? You’re a smart girl, Morana. You don’t want to be alone. You’re not going to hurt people you care about, andat least between us, I’ve never felt that you’ve tried to push me away.”
“Right. But…” I wince. “It’s…different.”
“How so?”
“You’re like family. And before that, you helped me adjust to my new job here. The roles are different. I can be a frustrating, idiotic child around you, because you don’t have to deal with me in the same way. With Kyran…if I mess this up…he’ll still be connected to my sister’s husband. I’ll still have his presence hanging over me. I’ll still want what I can’t have. What I’ve broken. What I can’t…get back to.”
“You’ve given your relationship with Kyran expectations that you don’t bestow on ours.” His hand leaves my head, so his knuckle can tip my chin up. Forcing me to look in his warm hazel eyes, he dries my tears. “Consider that Kyran just wants to exist with you. He settles when you’re around, Morana. I don’t know if you can see it because you only ever experience him when you’re around, but you’re walking peace to him. Also…” He chuckles, flicking my nose as he pulls back to stuff his hands in his pockets. “I think maybe you need to give him some credit. A relationship doesn’t just disintegrate overnight. It takes the same kind of effort to build as it does to burn, and both parties need to make decisions for either to happen. He married you. You let him. Love him enough to believe he did that on purpose and will keep doing things on purpose to show you that he sees and cherishes you. Love is an action, and those actions are intentional. Believe he wants you around and forget about whether or not you think that’s a stupid decision because you’re not enough. He already said you were, and you know something?”
I swallow back more tears. “What?”
“He’s not the only one here who thinks that. In this household, youareenough. Period. You’re the only one whodoesn’t believe it, so, I’m sorry, but you’ve been outvoted. We appreciate who you are and what you do. That’s not going to change. And if you need even more reassurance about that? You came to me. The only person in my living family whogave upon them. I ran away. Everyone else here stuck it out through horrors for each other. If you see something in me willing to welcome and comfort and be there for you, imagine how much more capable people who suffered brutality just to stay there for each other might be. It would take worse than torture to change my brothers’ minds about who they love and who they’re devoted to. Are you really going to stand here and tell me you believe you’re worse than physical, mental, and emotional torture?”
My bleeding heart wants to say,yes, I am, but I can’t. Logic demands Ican’t. I know a glimpse of what happened here; Kaleb’s told me. Kyran’s mentioned his parents’ cruelty in passing. It would take effort and intention for me to come close to that. I hate comparing myself tothat. I hate that that’s how far I need to spin my brain in circles to think of myself as okay.
Voice soft, I say, “I want to be worlds better for him. I don’t want to just be better than monsters. I don’t want to just not be as horrible as what he can take. I want to be kinder, more caring, and more loving. I want him to be happy, and I want to make him happy. I just don’t know how to keep my own stupidity and selfishness out of it. My own fears. My own…me.”
“Everyone’s selfish and stupid sometimes. Everyone gets scared. I don’t think being human is any reason to beat yourself up. We can always make choices for the better, but you shouldn’t for a second think that being better means not being you. He chose you. He wants you. The fact that you areyouis the whole point. Every day brings new choices. Focus on each one as it happens, keep your heart open to listen and your eyes open to see. When inevitably you mess up like all people do,take accountability for it. Marriage is all about wading through the world together. The only thing you need to worry about is holding tight to his hand and not letting go even if it gets hard to hold on. Can you do that?”
Can I hold on when something’s slipping away even though, historically, I have easily let go? Can I brace for the impact of rejection? Can I stomach being the one who wants something more…again?
Fragile, I whisper, “I’ll try.”
Chapter 20
?
One thing at a time.
Kyran
Mywife returns from having a little chat with my brother, and I cannot express the emotions that grip me at the sight of her cuddled up in his coat.
Wait, no. I can.
