Dipping as moisture gathers in my own eyes, I kiss my wife, gripping her as close as our clothes will allow. “I love you,” Iwhisper, voice raw. “I want to see you so badly it’s an ache in my chest, and you already know how I feel about crashing through walls in order to get to you. No boundary is going to keep us apart. Not now. It’s too late.”
“But I’m—”
“Beautiful.” I kiss the corners of her eyes, taste salt on my tongue. “You arebeautiful, Morana. If you don’t believe me, show me more. Let me see every ugly part. Let me fall madder in love with each of them. ’Cause even here, even right now, while you are tear-stained and breaking, I have never loved anyone more.”
“I want to be better for you.”
“You’re already enough.”
“But I want to be more, for you.”
I fill my chest with her lavender scents. “You give so much to the people you love already, Morana. I’m afraid I’ll lose you in your efforts to please me more than you already do. Nothing would make me happier than if you saw yourself the way I see you and grew pretentious in light of it.” Holding her gaze steady on mine, I say, “You areloved. At your best…and at your worst. You ruin me. Whether or not I actually loveyouis never in question. I would do anything for you. I would do anything to prove myself to you. My very breath hinges on your command, mistress. My heart is yours to tell to stop or beat. Utter a word, and send me to my knees. I am hopeless without you and hopeless for you. Love me, and let loving me become everything that matters to you until loving others is less scary. Love me, and know that your love will always be respected and returned. Love me without risk. Love me so much that you can’t bring yourself to deny it anymore.”
She sniffs, and her lip trembles. “I wish…we were home. The walls are paper thin here, but all I want to do is drown in you and forget everything else. Even though I know that’s not a healthycoping mechanism. It’s just so much easier to flood my brain with those kinds of feelings than it is to…to process these.”
“Processing these now will be best for you eventually. Also…” I glance toward hundreds of glass and fabric eyes. “…I really would selfishly be all for the deflection option, but…the audience.”
A fragile smile touches one corner of her mouth. “Yeah. A great point.”
“You know you don’t have to block the feelings out, right? You also don’t have to face them alone anymore. I’m right here. Always. And we’ve days with your parents yet. You can talk to them. You can rebuild a relationship with them. Explain why you’re scared to love openly, why you want to do better. You are not alone. Not now. And not ever again.”
She swallows. “Yeah.”
“You okay?”
She dips her chin. “Getting there.”
Several minutes pass while we stand in the middle of her childhood bedroom, holding each other close, then she says, “There’s something I’d like to do on Sunday, before we head back home. It would mean either letting me borrow your car, dropping me off, or waiting for me in the parking lot for probably an hour, maybe more…maybe less. I don’t know. Whatever seems best for you.”
I weigh those vague options, then say, “I’ll wait for you. What are you going to do?”
Breath escapes her before she says, “Tightrope walk through flames.”
Chapter 25
?
Sometimes, we can trust our pattern-recognition skills.
Morana
My stomachtwistsat the very sight of Talira exiting her vehicle three minutes before we’re supposed to meet at the Panera off Fifth Season Boulevard. She looks…just like she always did, I suppose. Light brown waves dancing around her cheeks. Eyes bright and happy. Body slender and modelesque. An exact opposite of me
A smile pours over her face when she sees me standing at the door, and I glance toward where Kyran is parked in his ice-blue sports car, at the edge of the parking lot, by some unassuming snow-coated bushes.
“Ana!” Talira cheers, reaching me and throwing me into a hug.
I don’t move. I’ve never been much of ahugger, but…
The way I’ve hugged Kyran every single night we’ve been here comes back to me, and I remind myself I’m doingbetter, reaching for people, exiting the walls of my bastion. Or something.
I lift my arms and awkwardly pat her back. “Hey…Tali.” Her nickname alone feels sour in my mouth. Like it shouldn’t be there. Like it died a long, long time ago.
She pulls back, still holding me, and says, “I am so glad you stopped punishing me for that stupid thing in high school.” Tears glisten in her eyes, and she fights them, so they won’t run through her makeup. “It was so dumb.” Her voice breaks. “I’m so sorry.”
My stomach doesn’t unknot, but I lift a shoulder. “Hey, it’s fine.” It destroyed me. “I made mistakes with men afterward, too.” I needed you. “I’m sorry it took me this long to feel like I was ready to reach out again.” Ithurtso much more than I know how to tell you when you are…such a stranger now.
Her hand finds mine, and her waves bounce as she shakes her head. “No, it’s okay. Maybe we both just needed time to grow. I have so much to tell you.”
