Am I…overthinking it?
Me:Tomorrow night, would you like to watch the sun set with me downtown?
My heart hammers away in my chest as I stare at the message. It paints a needlessly fluffy picture, and I’m not sure how—when I can barely talk to the man under normal circumstances—I expect to naturally stall him around 4th and Griffin while romantic notions ofwanting to watch a sunset with himcloy in the air. It makes me sick just thinking about it.
As if I’d ever want to do something so innocent and gentle with a monster like him who treats people like toys and practices cruelty like it’s a game.
The world will be a better place without him.
Unbidden, the devotion in his smile this afternoon appears in my mind, haunting me with the way he melted after I told him my favorite color. For a precious instant, the Earth stopped spinning. And I nearly believed he was actually in love. I nearly believed he was…human.
Worst of all, I almost wanted to believe something was real between us.
Which is terrifying to admit.
But, for a fragile moment, I feltokay. In an unfamiliar place. Surrounded by paint that could seep into my gloves and stain my fingertips.
For a fragile moment, I wanted to believe that the most hateful man I know loved me enough to dance with me on the edge of a precipice, pushing me to the brink of the cliff and promising that I wouldn’t fall even as dirt cascaded from beneath my feet.
I wanted to believe that someone likemecould be loved.
I hate him.
I hate him for everything he’s done up until now.
And I hate him ever more for the way he’s manipulating my emotions in this twisted choreography on a stage I never asked to join.
I hate that I can’t trust him.
But, most of all, Ihatethat I think… I think I wish I could.
Crow:I’d like nothing more.
?
Wow. That’s. A sun setting. For sure.
Closing my hands together, I try to remember all the things I learned last night. After I confirmed with Junction that this plan was a go, I spent the rest of my evening studying my dating sims. Guys in love. Girls falling. What it looks like. What they say. What they do.
Would this be easier if Ididn’thate Malcolm?
Or would it be just as uncomfortable?
I have no idea.
Even my strongest female leads seem to emanate insecurity whenever it concerns the guy they’re falling for. Maybe feeling unstable around a potential lover is normal.
Maybe, for once in my life, I’m pulling offnormalcorrectly.
And maybe I’m still just as anxious and hate it just as much asabnormal. All I know is that I keep twisting my little crystalheart between my fingers and suffocating in this silence I don’t know how to break.
On this side of downtown, all around us the shops have closed up, kitschy stores going cold and dark to make room for the nightlife to awaken behind us, farther up the street. Lights from the high-rise buildings withhold stars from the darkening sky above, but where we’re standing, the path ahead leads to an open view as the sun tucks itself away for the night.
Drawing my attention off the pink and orange clouds, I dare to steal a glimpse of Malcolm in an effort to gauge whether or not he also feels the supreme awkwardness.
I find him staring. At me.
Like we’re in a dating sim.
