“Hm.” He settles, peaceful. “That’s the face of someone who really wants to blame me.”
I grit my teeth. “I’ve put up with you because it’s myjob. But you don’t treat me like a person.”
“On the contrary, I treat you like my favorite person.”
“In that case, I wish I weren’t your favorite.”
“Don’t say such terrible things.”
I grip his hands as tight as I can; he matches the pressure.
Breath leaves him. “Little dove. You’re being difficult.”
“If I’m being difficult, it’s because you’re not making things easy.”
He stretches my arm and lays a kiss on the inner side of my elbow, right above where the flowy sleeve of my dress lies. “I suppose you’re not wrong. You’re rarely ever wrong whenever it concerns something that’s actually real.”
My skin heats, and I know I am never going to be clean again.
Iknowit, yet the usual anxiety and panic to fulfill some arbitrary task that might bring me close are absent. There’s too much adrenaline. Too muchotherin the way.
What I’d like to know iswhy.
“May I ask you a question?” he whispers into my skin. His eyes cut toward mine, and he flicks his tongue out.
Eruptions occur, and the heat blazes all over.
Resting his cheek against my arm, he murmurs, “Why haven’t you told me to stop?”
I open my mouth.
But I can’t respond.
Becausewhy haven’t I?
He continues, “Do you believe I wouldn’t? Do you believe a man willing to chance jumping to his death for you wouldn’t obey now? Do you think I’mthatkind of monster?”
The truth scalds my throat as I let it free. “No.”
“So…why?”
I don’t know.
I have no idea.
A soft sound exits him, and he frees one of my arms to touch a knuckle to my cheek. “That’s a lovely expression.” He frees my other hand, pulling back so I’m no longer sitting with my rump on his thighs and my legs splayed around him. Effortlessly, he scoops me up in his arms and rocks me toward his chest in the cradle. “Let’s speak very frankly for a moment, my precious Delaware white Azalea…”
My heart won’t stop pounding.
“Tell me why you’re fighting a man who could give you everything, who would jump off buildings for you, who drops to his knees in an instant at your command, who will stop when told, and who loves you in his own broken way past the brink of insanity. Tell me, aren’t you smart enough to take advantage of me? Would your hatred really be satisfied to watch me die? Does it not require a lifetime of my suffering? Of payback? Of obedience?”
My shoulders bunch, and I look at him.Monsterechoes in my head.Monsterscreams in my soul. He’s messing with my mind. I can’t think clearly. I don’t know what I’m feeling. It’s always better when Idon’tfeel. My feelings are too big. Too much. Toopainful.
They hit hard and fast and leave me breathless, in a sea of bad decisions.
They’re never calm. They’re never rational. They’re never easy to decode.
The jumble of them now exhausts me to my core, weighing on my body and pulling me underwater.
