It’s beenweeksof slight touches that end with me losing my mind and getting stuck in my head, thinking about all sorts of irrational horrors.
It shouldn’t be this hard.
I shouldn’t be this scared.
I don’t want to feel like I’m losing an opportunity, because I already know I’ll treat that loss like finality.
The past few days, I’ve started showering only once before getting in bed with Malcolm. I’m almost at the point where I can just watch Malcolm cook breakfast and not feel compelled to tell him to wash his hands after touching anything. I can almost believe the world won’t end despite all the rules I’m breaking.
But, still, it’s all hard.
It’s all a battle.
It’s all conscious effort.
The only time my head’s never-ending negativity shuts down is when I’m curled up in Malcolm’s arms and I convince myself death would be fine. Which is terrible. And shouldn’t be the extreme I go to. But…it is.
“I wish I weren’t like this,” I whisper. “I wish my brain were different.”
“If it were, you wouldn’t be you.”
“You think I care about that? Beingmeis the problem.”
“You,” he says, “are the person I love. So that you’re you is of some importance to me.”
“I am not made up of these broken pieces.”
He kisses my nose. “Maybe not, but you wouldn’t be the same without them. We wouldn’t have these moments without them.”
Scowling, I mutter, “I could be a proper wife without them.”
His face tints, going vibrantly dark as his eyes widen, glisten, andspark. “Is being a proper wife important to you?”
I mutter, “Who knows?”
Sinking, Malcolm wraps me up in his arms, tugging me on top of him when he flops onto his side. Stretching out on the couch, he slips his fingers through my hair and sighs. “All things considered, I don’t know what you mean when you sayproper wife. I’m very content with my choice in a partner. You’re incredibly proper as a wife if you ask me.”
“It’s hard to imagine how.”
“Is it really?” His tone darkens as his hold solidifies. “You think I don’t like this? Watching you struggle for my sake, fighting your demons to reach your favorite monster among them… Surely it’s not hard to imagine how happy I am with you. As if there’s any better drug than knowing a woman who once would have stabbed me in the back is now letting me push her down and kiss her while she shudders, desperate for her mind to be quiet long enough for her to enjoy it.” Breath leaves him,and wistful airs grip his voice. “I amliving, Azalea. The only hard thing is holding myself back.”
“Really?” I swallow, and my heart droops. “You don’t act like it.”
“I’m glad you can’t tell. I’m trying not to be mean to you while you’re working so hard, but I really dearly want to rub it in.”
Oh. That’s what he meant byholding himself back.
My eyes roll. “Rub what in?”
“You want me.”
“Yeah, so?”
“Have you abandoned all your resentment? Doesn’t it mess you up inside in far sweeter ways to think of how badly you want me after how much you’ve hated me?”
I snuggle closer, rubbing in how wrong he is. “I’m pretty all or nothing, actually. I’m not delusional enough to think you’re suddenly a good person, but I have come to favor you, and I’m not ashamed or upset by that, so I’m afraid there’s just not very much to rub in.”
“I’m certain I could find something.”
