I dug into my lunch bag and pulled out a Lunchable. “One of us has to keep hope alive.”
Cassie stared at me long and hard.
“What?” I asked, stacking the turkey and cheese on a cracker.
“I’ve watched you go back and forth. One minute you’re drowning in your sorrows. The next you’re saying, ‘Forget fear’ and taking a step to change your life. Maybe everything happening right now is meant to make you uncomfortable. If you weren’t uncomfortable, you would stay exactly where you are. And that hasn’t worked for you or anyone else for that matter. Don’t make yourself small for anybody, especially not your own negative thoughts. What’s not meant for you is already being removed from your life. You have to be a little delusional to get somewhere in this world. Just because it hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it won’t.”
I rubbed my eyes, trying not to break down. Cassie was right. I had to choose. Either I was going to keep living in fear, or I was going to be delusional until I made it.
I leaned over and hugged her. “Thank you, my girl.”
I always listened to what Cassie had to say, but this time it hit differently. I was going to take every word to heart.
“Always, Ember. Now let me get one of those Lunchable sandwiches. The way you’re tearing it up like it’s a five-star meal got me hungry.”
We both laughed as I slid the tray over to share.
How the fuck did I end up in a women’s homeless shelter?Seeing how uncomfortable Rhema was made me feel worse than I already did. She sat on a twin sized bed across from me with her hands in her lap, looking around. There were women from different backgrounds roaming the place. As I stared into sad eyes that matched my own, I couldn’t help but wonder what their stories were.
No one smiled except the babies and children, who were too young to understand the life they’d been born into or how trauma could shape their futures.
“Momma, why are we here?” Rhema asked, her gaze fixed on a woman standing in front of a mirror, shaving off all her hair while mascara mixed with tears ran down her face.
I could feel the pain radiating from the woman.
“Rhema, stop staring, baby,” I whispered.
She gave the lady one last glance, then looked at me.
“We lost our apartment, Rhe. So, we have to stay here for a little while. It will only be for a short time.” I tried to be transparent without telling her too much.
I refused to pass down my burdens to my child. If anything, I wanted to teach her how to come out of anything meant to break her. Rhema had watched me struggle, feel sorry for myself, and stay stuck for way too long. Through it all, the love from my child kept me going each day. If I couldn’t be a good role model for a little girl I brought into this world, then what was I really doing? There was only so much I could shield my baby from, but Lord knows I wanted to protect her from everything.
“I hope we don’t have to stay here long.” Her voice cracked at the same moment my heart did.
Sometimes I failed at showing up for myself. Sometimes I failed Rhema, but one thing I can say is that I kept going. Through the doubts, fear, grief, late night crying sessions, anxiety, empty bank accounts, and the pain from not having my parents and Rhema’s father in my life.
At times I felt like I wasn’t living. I was only existing.
When we first stepped into the shelter, I went into the small computer room they had and filled out as many online job applications as I could. I would need a second job to afford this expensive ass California rent. At my last apartment, I relied on Shane to help with the rent during the months he ‘felt like’ pitching in, but that was barely enough.
Just thinking about him made my stomach turn. That was one of the ways I failed Rhema. Allowing Shane—a pedophile—into our space. She saw her mother shacked up with a nigga I had no business letting get access to me. The company we keep could elevate or hinder us.Why was I so blind?Was I desperate to have a man, just to be able to say I had a man? Did I depend on the small things he did because I believed I didn’t deserve better?
In that moment, while sitting in that shelter, I came to one single conclusion. For me to have put up with all that I had, there was no way I loved myself. If I did, I would have kicked Shane out a long time ago. The red flags and the half-ass things he did should have made me walk away sooner.
“Momma, did you hear me?”
“Huh? What did you say?” I was caught up in my thoughts.
“I said, do we really have to stay here with all these people? Some of them look scary and crazy,” Rhema uttered, her eyes darting around again.
She was right; some of these women did look scary and looked exactly like what they’d been through. But I would neverjudge. Some of them had probably been to hell and back and were here because they had nowhere else to go.
“I know, sweetie. I’m gonna get us out of here. Momma gon’ protect you, okay?” I got up and moved closer to Rhema. “We can’t judge anyone here, you hear me? These people are already dealing with enough as it is… just like we are.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No need to be sorry, Rhe. Promise me you gon’ be my lil’ strong baby.”
