“What about condoms? You got those to match as well?”
“Not yet. But I’m sure they’re coming. Seriously, though, where the hell have you been?” He sets the empty bowl in the sink.
“Just tying up some loose ends. I’ll be down in fifteen. I need to put on a suit, and I’m good to go. You catching a ride in with Mom and Dad?”
“Nah. I’m gonna drive over with Lav, spend a little time with her before she gets on the plane.” He tucks his hand in his pocket, and his lips pull to the side.
“She’s gonna be fine. She’ll have Kody there with her, and she’ll be back at the end of August.”
“Yeah.” He tugs at his bottom lip with his teeth. “I don’t know if she’ll be back, though.”
“It’s just a summer internship.”
“I feel like she’s spreading her wings, and when she flies, she’s going to soar,” River adds.
“How you feeling about that?”
“Okay, I think. Kody loves the fuck out of her, and she’s gotbigger balls than all of us. If anyone deserves this, it’s her.” He smiles, and even though it looks a little sad, it’s genuine.
River has always worn his heart on his sleeve. If he felt something, we knew about it. But he hid the most important part of himself, who he really is. And I realize maybe I wasn’t here for him as much as I should have been this year. Or maybe we’ve all just found our own ways of dealing.
I clap him on the shoulder. “You know, it seems a lot like you and Lavender are in the same place at the same time. It’s fitting.”
“I never thought about it like that, but yeah, I can see it.” He nods slowly. “I don’t think I realized until recently how much you sacrificed for us.”
I give him a questioning look. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“This was your senior year. You could have lived with your hockey buddies, probably should have, but you put me and Lav first. So I hope that whatever’s going on with you, it’s because you’re putting yourself first for once.”
I stare at my younger brother. “Are you high?”
He rolls his eyes. “No. I’m not dumb enough to do that when we’re going to see Mom and Dad. I’m just saying, you’re a good brother.”
“Oh. Well, thanks.”
He pulls me in for a hug I don’t expect, then pushes me toward the stairs, telling me I need to shower off my stank.
River’s words stick with me as I get ready for convocation—and not the ones about the stank. I’m ready for this chapter of my life to be over.
35
AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS
Clover
Ifeel ill, like I might toss my cookies at any moment. I’m trying to stay engaged in conversation with my colleagues, but it’s a challenge when my boyfriend and his parents are less than a hundred feet away and currently celebrating the fact that their son has graduated.
Professor Longley—a man in his mid-forties, who has on more than one occasion this semester asked if I’d like to have coffee, and I’ve always been busy—is droning on and on about the different kinds of coffee beans and how the ones they use at some café downtown are the best. Mary Connor, one of the sociology professors, is hanging on his every word. I wish he would get a clue and askherout, since it’s clear she’s into him.
It makes me question what the hell I’m doing and how this thing with Maverick can ever work. But I remind myself that Ihave one more week in my contract, and then I’m finished. Then we’re just two people in a relationship.
I excuse myself to the bathroom. My mouth is dry, my palms are sweaty, and I’m ridiculously jittery, as though I’ve consumed a gallon of coffee and followed it up by chugging a bottle of maple syrup.
I use the ladies’ room, gather my senses, and exit, prepared to excuse myself to my office. I need to get out of here so I don’t start second-guessing myself and what I’m doing more than I already am. The hardest part has been watching Maverick and his parents talk to his professors from this semester, knowing that they’re discussing how bright he is, probably asking if he’s interested in pursuing a master’s, despite being aware of his NHL future. I can’t approach them, speak with them, tell them how amazing I think their son is, because of our relationship.
He can do anything he wants. Be anything he wants. The world is at his fingertips. And instead of hanging out at bars on the weekends or talking to girls his own age, he’s playing Scrabble with me in the evening, readingPsychology Today, and having sex all over my house.
“What am I doing?” I chastise myself. I step out into the hall and almost run into another woman.
