“You can’t deal with your own disappointment or someone else’s?” She shifts so her back is against the armrest, and she’s curled up like a cat in my lap.
This isn’t the first time we’ve had this conversation, and regardless of how many times I go over the same points, she still walks through them with me, every single time.
“Both? I should be living and breathing hockey. I should want to be on the ice every day.”
“Says who?”
“Says everyone who’s ever had the dream of becoming a professional player.”
“You’re living in extremes, though. Every life decision isn’tall or nothing, and I feel like that’s where you’re currently situated. There doesn’t seem to be any balance. You don’t have to be like Kody, who from the sound of it canonlylive in extremes. Look at his relationship with your sister. It’s always been all or nothing. He couldn’t do it any other way, so that’s how he lives his life. It doesn’t have to be how you live yours.”
“What if I make it and tank my career? I’m caught up in this shitty spiral, and I don’t know how to get out of it.”
“Okay. I have a question for you, and it’s probably not one you’re going to want to answer truthfully, but it’s valid all the same.”
I nod, waiting for her to go on.
“Is it less about you not being as good and more about you notwantingto be as good?”
“My stats answer that question.” I was mid-range at best this season, and half of what’s carrying me is my name. Or at least that’s how it feels.
“But do they answer it because it’s accurate or because you’re consciously or subconsciously making sure they’re not the stats you need to get where you’ve planned to go your entire life?”
“Honestly?” I rub my temple. “I have no idea anymore.”
She sighs and smiles sadly. “I can’t make this decision for you, Maverick. Only you know in your heart what’s right. But I will tell you that you can’t base your decision on our relationship, or on what you think your parents expect from you. This is your life, your future, your career. You need to decide what’s best foryou.”
“I know.” I take her hand in mine and lace our fingers together. “I feel like I’ve been on this path for so long, and now that I’m almost at the end, I’m questioning everything. And then there’s you and me. This whole time I’ve been focused on the optics and how much easier it will be for us to be a couplewhen I’m playing professional hockey and I’m not just a university kid.”
She props her elbow on the arm of the chair and settles her cheek on her knuckles. “You’ve never been just a university kid, Maverick. And my issues with the age gap between us are mine, not yours. And the optics of us shouldn’t be a reason for you to sign or not sign a contract.”
“I know you’re right. I’m also trying to be realistic, because some NHL careers are short, and having a backup plan is essential.”
“I agree on the backup plan, and your degree gives you the foundation you need for that. I think you need to see what you’re offered and take it from there. Talk it through with your dad. Be honest with him. Tell him how you’re feeling, and make your decision not based on what you’re afraid of, but on what’s going to make you happy.”
“I really love you. You know that, right?” I tell her.
“I do. And I love you back.” She runs her fingers through my hair. “And whatever you decide, I will stand beside you, and we’ll figure out how we move forward from there, okay?”
“Okay.” Even though everything else in my life seems uncertain, this thing between me and Clover doesn’t.
“What else do you need from me right now?”
“Nothing.” I take her face in my hands and kiss her softly. “Well, maybe one thing.”
She smiles against my lips. “Take me to bed then.”
On Thursday evening,I toss my hockey equipment and an overnight bag into the back of my truck. Before I leave,Clover and I have slow, needy sex. Well, I’m needy, and she’s accommodating.
“I’m going to head up to Pearl Bay on Saturday, probably in the evening,” she says as I put my shoes on. “That way I can be close, if you want to see me.”
“Okay. Why don’t I meet you at your cabin on Saturday night? Unless you want to come to my parents’ place? Or we could do brunch on Sunday?”
“That’s up to you. Maybe we play it by ear? I’ll head to the cabin, and you can message and let me know what you’d prefer. I’m ready to meet them, and the rest of the people who are important to you. We can’t be an us if we’re just a you and me.”
I kiss her again, but she stops before I can turn it into more. It’s already six. I’m going to be late getting to Lake Geneva as it is.
When I pull into the driveway, my dad greets me at the door and grabs me in a hug. I wish I felt half as excited as he looks. He helps me with my bags, and I follow him to the kitchen. “You hungry? I’ve got pizza in the oven and beers in the fridge.”
