“We have a big game tomorrow night, exams are coming up—just a lot on my mind.” I take her hand in mine and kiss each knuckle.
“What are you worried most about?”
“In the immediate future? Losing the game. After that? Exam stress, which I’m not as worried about because I have this professor girlfriend who keeps me on the straight and narrow, and I’ve been way more diligent about my studies this semester.”
She smiles up at me. “You have proven to be very studious. It’s impressive. But is there anything besides the game and exams? Is this related to the nightmares you’ve been having lately?”
Over the past few weeks, I’ve been waking up from dreams that leave me with cold sweats and the shakes. I’m locked in asmall room that smells like gasoline, and all I have with me is a dead cell phone. I can hear someone calling for help, but I can’t find a way out of the room. I also have one where I’m trying to skate, but I can’t get my feet to move on the ice, and I end up missing all the important shots. Then I end up on camera for an interview and everyone keeps telling me how I let my team down.
“I’m just thinking about contract talks, and convocation,” I tell her. “Not necessarily in that order.”
Clover shifts so she can look at my face. “Are you worried about not getting called up?” Over the past couple of months, I’ve taught Clover a lot about hockey—what the stats mean, how Nashville has my rights, that Vancouver picked up Kody, but there are other teams who have eyes on him.
“I don’t know. The closer I get to contract talks, the worse the anxiety gets.”
“The anxiety about what, exactly?”
“A lot of things. This thing between us ending, having to pick up and move across the country, starting a career with guys I’ve never played with before. Or worse, they could release my rights and I could end up in Europe if they don’t see me as NHL ready. What if I’m not good enough? What if I can’t keep up with my teammates?”
“Well, logically speaking, you wouldn’t get called up if you weren’t good enough.”
“Sometimes I think the only reason I got drafted when I did was because of my last name. I’m never going to be as good as my dad was.”
“You’ve said that before. Why do you feel that way?”
“I have to work my ass off and run extra drills, work out harder, watch more videos, and practice a ton more to be even a fraction as good as he is. It doesn’t help that my best friend is basically a hockey savant. Kody works hard, but he’s a naturalon the ice. He skates circles around me. And I’m not jealous of how good he is. He lives and breathes the sport, and he loves it. It’s more that he’s so certain of his future, and I’m not.”
“But you’re at practice and on the ice every day,” she says gently.
“Yeah, but if someone told me I couldn’t play hockey again? I’d be sad, but I wouldn’t be devastated the way Kody and a lot of my teammates would. Honestly, the reason I’m worried about contract talks not going well isn’t because of me; it’s because I don’t want to disappoint my dad. I’ve trained my entire life for this, and if I don’t make it . . . I don’t want to see that disappointment on his face. But the possibility of having to spend the next half decade or more being compared to him?” I twirl a lock of her hair around my finger and watch it unfurl, trying to find the words. “I don’t know . . . Half of me almost hopes I won’t get called up, even if I do have to face his disappointment. In some ways, that would be better than never being able to live up to his legacy.”
“Does he know that you feel like this?”
I shake my head. “Of course not.”
“Do you think it’s something you should talk to him about? I can’t imagine he would want you to feel this kind of pressure.”
“It’s not his fault I feel this way.”
“But keeping it to yourself isn’t helping you either. I’m going to ask you a question, and I want you to think about it before you answer. I want you to be honest with yourself and with me.”
“I’m always honest with you.”
“You are, but this is a tough question, and you’re going to want to knee-jerk respond. Which is why I need you to take a minute to sort out your thoughts before you answer.”
“Okay.” I lace my fingers with hers.This is what I need, a real conversation with someone whose input I value, and whose focus isn’t on the glamour of an NHL career.
“How much of an impact does our current relationship have on you not wanting to sign a contract?”
I sigh. And I force myself to wait a beat before I open my mouth. “I’ve thought about this a lot, and I’ve tried to logic out my feelings, but I can’t. I don’t know what’s going to happen with us, but I do know that I’ve been a better version of myself in a lot of ways this semester.” I meet her eyes. “Even if you weren’t part of my life, I would still feel the way I do about my future as a hockey player.”
“And if you weren’t a hockey player, what would you want to do? Work in sports rehab?”
“I don’t know. My whole life has been focused on this one goal, and the closer I get to it, the less appealing it looks. I don’t want to spend the next decade floundering in a career I don’t love.” I wrap my arms around her. “And I don’t want to walk away from you. Can you have a midlife crisis at twenty-one?”
“There’s a lot happening in your life, and I’m an added layer of complication.”
“You’re the best thing that’s happened to me, not a complication.” I press a soft kiss to her lips. “I know it’s a big ask, but would you come to my game tomorrow? It would be good to have you there.”
