“No, I need to be here for Jesse.”
Thirty minutes passed.
In all that time I had not ventured into the living room. Jesse glanced back several times as things progressed, his eyes touching mine, quiet yet sharing something that felt as if he knew I was there for him. Aubrey remained glued to my side. Probably because I had hold of his hand. I lingered on the outskirts, eavesdropping. It seemed the death appeared to be from natural causes, and the body was free to be taken to the funeral home once Abel’s doctor signed the death certificate. Amazingly, that had come in ten minutes earlier online so now the body could be moved. Guess Abel had a bad heart on top of advanced suspected CTE, which could lead to brain function failure. The brain simply stopped regulating things like breathing or heart rate.
By this time it was midnight, quarter after to be exact, and everyone left in the hospice room was fried like an egg. Oliva tried to get us to come to her house for coffee as Abel was placed onto a mortuary cot and covered with a sheet. The reps from the funeral home were soft-spoken and polite, asking if there were any final goodbyes to be made as papers and identification werepassed over to the morticians. All very professional. All very respectful.
Goodbyes.
Shit, I had a thousand of them bouncing around inside my head like BBs in a tin can. None of them fitting to say in front of my little brother or anyone else still here.
Jesse and Lucas stepped up to the cot. One of the funeral directors, a slim woman with glasses, latex gloves, and a stern haircut, gently pulled back the sheet.
I watched as Jesse stared down at Abel. Lucas stood at his side, hand on the small of Jesse’s back, eyes lowered to the floor. Then my brother looked at me. Fuck. Was he expecting me to say something?
“Not sure I got anything to say to him right now,” I admitted.
“Same,” Jesse said in a flat tone.
Aubrey gave my fingers a soft squeeze. “That’s fine. You can say goodbye to him later. There’s time,” he said.
“Sure, there’s time,” I mumbled. With that Abel was wheeled out to a black SUV that would fit the mortuary cot.
“He’s being cremated,” Jesse told me while we stood in the doorway to watch the SUV pull away from the curb. “Christ. I’m…I don’t know what to do next.”
“You don’t have to know yet,” Lucas murmured, then glanced at me. “Neither of you do.”
Jesse closed his eyes for a moment and let out a deep breath. “I feel…” I stepped closer and we exchanged weighted looks. “Relief?” Jesse finished softly, and pressed a hand to his chest, right over his heart. “Fuck, is that wrong?” He was asking Lucas, but I felt the question in my bones. Jesse’s life had been changed by this man in ways I would never fully understand. Both our lives had. Maybe if he’d been a better dad, me and Jesse would have had better lives. Well, there was noifobviously.
“It’s not wrong,” Lucas said with determination.
“Okay,” Jesse said, and straightened his back. “I should go back to the house and find, I don’t know…papers, other shit that’s important.” Then he stared at me, uncertain. “You up to help?”
“You can count on me,” I answered.
“Thank you, I…” I thought he might add something else, but he stopped, then Lucas tugged him from the room and through the door.
I glanced down at Aubrey. “I want to do this with Jesse,” I said. “I can take you home.”
“I’m happy to help if you want me,” he said.
And that was the moment I knew I was in love with Aubrey Lancombe. He could have bolted, probably should have, but he stayed. With us, with me, and that touched me so deep I felt weepy. Which was bizarre. Seeing my father dead with a toe tag hadn’t brought forth a tear but this thin man with the big glasses and even bigger heart had me ready to cry.
“I’ll bring over some coffee,” Oliva said, patting at her damp cheeks with a wadded up tissue then disappearing into the night.
The house was quiet. I had no idea where to go or what to touch so I glanced to Jesse to take over. Again. Maybe someday I could be the one to shoulder a few burdens instead of him. Course I’d have to stay in Chance for that to happen. As I watched Aubrey sorting papers on the coffee table while Jesse and Lucas went to the desk to do some preliminary poking about, the thought of lingering here wasn’t as terrible as it had been when Abel was still drawing breath. Terrible thing to think but truth was truth. Maybe with him gone this town could be home again…
Maybe I could have a family again…
Ten days.Abel’s ashes would be returned to us in ten days.
Jesse had everything all set up. The cremation fee paid in advance. All the paperwork. Power of attorney, blah blah blah. All the legalese and forms were making my head spin. None of us had slept well or gotten much rest last night.
I’d dropped Aubrey off around four in the morning and had the most hellacious time pulling myself from his arms. I wanted to stay so damned badly. But we had meetings with the funeral director, the hands, and about a dozen lawyers. Or so it seemed to me. I never did deal with this kind of shit well.
So that Monday when I crawled out of my trailer like a bear woken from hibernation too early I was met with kindness. All kinds of kindness. So much kindness from so many people and teens at the ranch that by the time we returned to the ranch from the crematorium I was way over my “I’m so sorry about your father. You must be grieving so badly over his loss” comments that I threw Adobe’s tack, saddle, and blanket into my truck with a growl that sent some poor cowpoke scratching his head over what he’d said wrong. Nothing. He’d been polite, coming over to me even if I’d never spoken a word to him my entire time here to offer condolences over the loss of a beloved parent.
And that there had been the straw that had snapped my back.
