I'm glad you wrote this down. Every time you have thoughts of self-harm, immediately write down your feelings, make them explicit. You can call me anytime.
Remember your affirmations, and I can guarantee you that you are indeed strong enough to navigate the changes you want to make in your life. Let's talk more tomorrow.
Regards,
Dr. Marlene Mercer
She'd said she wanted to kill herself, and I'd gotten angry, thinking she was just trying to make me feel guilty. But she had been thinking about it to the point that her therapist had asked her to write every time she had such feelings.
My heart hammered as I read on.
Subject: It Happened Again
Dear Dr. Mercer,
Malou told me yesterday that she has months, not years. I'm trying to process this, but my emotions feel selfish in the shadow of her battle. How do I support her through this when, inside, I'm falling apart?
I wish I were the one with cancer so she could live. I wish I was dying. She deserves to live more than I do. Yesterday, when I was driving, I kept thinking how it would be to let go. Everyone would think it was an accident. No one would have to know.
Would Gray care? Would the kids? I don't know. I'm sure they'd be sad, but I also think they'd be happy after a while, happy to be rid of me. Am I a horrible person for feeling this way?
I'm turning forty soon. It's as if the ground beneath me is shifting, and I'm not sure where to step next.
Best regards,
Rose
I had to brush my tears away so I could see the screen.
Subject: Canceling appointments
Dr. Mercer,
Yesterday was our 20th anniversary. It came and went without a word from Gray. No acknowledgment, no recognition. It's like we're strangers sharing a home. I keep wondering if he ever forgave me for getting pregnant, for changing the course of our lives so irrevocably.
I feel so disconnected—from Gray, from my kids, from the life that I worked so hard to build. It means nothing. I've decided to leave. I'll stay with Malou as I'd planned. I'm taking some money, but you know about the prenup so just enough to survive. I'll set up teletherapy with you as soon as I can afford it. I'm really sorry about this.
Best regards,
Rose
I read the reply from Dr. Marlene Mercer.
Dear Rose,
I am converting all our future appointments to teletherapy. Don't worry about payment. We can work that out in the future. We shall keep our weekly appointments. Let me know if you need to change the time.
I'm proud of you. You should be proud of yourself for being the person you need to be.
Let's talk on Wednesday. If you need me before that, call or text me. You can always reach out to me at any time.
Regards,
Dr. Marlene Mercer
It was evident that Rose's therapist was concerned about her patient to the extent that she was going to keep seeing her without getting paid. That's how fucked up the situation was, and I'd probably exacerbated it when I talked to Rose today.
I looked up Dr. Marlene Mercer. She had a practice close by. I made an appointment online, and thankfully she had an opening for an introductory session of thirty minutes the following day.
