It had been two weeks since Derek had told Kieran about Carl. He still wasn’t sure how he felt about it. Part of him was relieved Carl could never hurt anyone else, but the fact that it was because of what he’d done to Kieran made him feel responsible in some way. He knew that was stupid, so he’d said nothing to anyone, but he couldn’t help but feel guilty about it. If Kieran hadn’t gone round to his house that first night, would Carl still be alive? He knew he shouldn’t think like that, but he had no control over the fucked-up places his brain went to.
With the Carl threat gone, there was no reason to stay with Derek anymore, so he was back at the flat. He missed waking up with Derek every morning, though. They still hadn’t gone all the way, which was frustrating. Kieran knew Derek’s reasons for holding back came from a caring place, which was sweet but irritating at the same time. He wasn’t broken, and Kieran didn’t want people tiptoeing around him all the time. Shit happened in life, and you just had to move on. That was how he dealt with shit anyway.
To Kieran, it didn’t feel like he’d been sexually assaulted. To him, it was non-consensual sex, which he knew legallywas the same thing. But he’d willingly had sex with Carl twice before, so it wasn’t the same as what some people went through. He knew his thinking was a bit fucked up, so it was something he’d kept to himself, but whenever bad shit happened to him, he tried to put a positive spin on it in some way, like it could have been worse, or it hadn’t been as bad as some people experienced. He’d needed to do that since his mum had rejected him. It was how he coped with life. Kieran knew he should be feeling more, given it had only been a month, but all that was on his mind was getting Derek to fuck him.
“What are you thinking about?” asked Hassan. “In fact, don’t answer that if it’s got anything to do with Project Daddy.”
Kieran snorted. “My lips are sealed . . . unfortunately!”
Hassan rolled his eyes. “Sometimes I worry that you’re nearly thirty.”
“So do I.”
“What are you doing today?”
“What I’ve done every day for the last two weeks. Looking for a job.”
“What happened with that one in Croydon I sent you?”
“It’s in Croydon!”
“I told you to take some time off, given everything. You don’t need to rush into something else, do you? I can cover things if you need help.”
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m good for a while, so no need for that.”
Kieran would not borrow money from his friend. He’d seen his mum get into debt and lose friends and family from how bad she was with money. That was until Derek had come along and things had been more settled. Maybe that’s why Kieran felt calmer when he was with Derek. He found his head catastrophised less around him, especially now they’d properly put the past to rest.
“You could just take the offer from Grant,” said Hassan.
“No. I’ve already made myself clear on that.”
Derek had told him that Grant had offered to compensate him, but he didn’t want his money. It would make him feel indebted to Grant. After some back and forth with Derek, he’d agreed to just get his notice pay, as he was entitled to that as an employee anyway. He was on two months’ notice, so it wasn’t like it would be a lot, but it would help, and Kieran didn’t feel any obligation in taking that.
“Okay, let’s drop that subject, then,” said Hassan. “What time’s your dinner with Daddy?”
Kieran glared at him. “Says the one who’s the actual daddy.”
“What?” Hassan frowned.
“Nothing. Just . . . just a figure of speech.”
He went to walk away, and Hassan grabbed him.
“Why did you say that?”
“Just something someone said.”
“Who? Derek?”
“He just said you gave offdaddyvibes. That’s all. I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by it.”
“Hmmm.”
“What does that mean?”
“Nothing. So, where are you going tonight?”
“Some restaurant in Highgate.”
