I stare at him for a couple of seconds. His brown eyes are trained on me and he’s leaning against the wall of the bar, a small smile on his lips like always. Carlos is probably one of the most peaceful people I’ve ever met. He doesn’t look for any trouble, and he’s constantly trying to ensure that everyone who works with him is okay.
He takes in strays, people having a rough time in life, and he patches them back together. He sometimes seems older than his years, although he’s only thirty-nine. I’ve known him for a long time and he has consistently been patient with me, never pushing me too hard. He minds his business for the most part.
“I don’t even know five things I plan to do tomorrow.”
“Liar,” he says softly. “You know. You know exactly what you want, Lily. You’re just too afraid to go searching for it.”
My eyes narrow, “What’s with all the psychological bullshit, Car? My shift starts in three hours.”
I’m not even supposed to be here right now. I was heading out to get a little rest and freshen up before coming back here when my shift starts again at 10. But when I walked out of the bar, I’d found him leaning against the wall, like he was contemplating living.
I knew I should have kept moving, but I decided to stay and see what was up.
Big mistake, it seems.
“Life has a way of convincing you you’re not worthy of happiness, and sometimes, it turns you into a villain,” Carlos says softly. “But there’s a little good out there for everyone. Sometimes we just have to trust it’s coming when it’s meant to. And until then, we can’t let the darkness convince us it’s all there is.”
He looks at me for a long moment, like he’s trying to see past the version of myself I’ve learned to hide behind.
“You know you’ve been here longer than anyone?” he continues. “Four years behind this bar, and I still have no damn clue what’s waiting for you next.”
I look down, scuffing the back of my sneakers against the ground.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be out of your hair soon enough.”
I just need to save enough money. Every year the plan is to save enough money. But I’m starting to think I’ll never have enough. It’s so frustrating.
“I’m not trying to chase you away, sport. Lord knows, you bring in the most money at this joint,” he says, exhaling a small laugh. “I just wonder where you’ll end up. Everyone moves on eventually; you just don’t seem to be planning on it. You’re so much bigger than this place. You should be writing for the bigwigs, not performing your songs in this dump. So just tell me what you want to achieve in a year. Doesn’t have to be anything big. You don’t even need to mention five.”
“How about you?” I toss back. “What would you like to achieve in a year?”
He chuckles, “Maybe not in a year. But I do plan to close this place someday, go on a road trip around the country, see different sights, maybe with a gorgeous woman at my side.”
“Sounds unrealistic,” I mutter. “You haven’t held down a girlfriend more than three months. And I bet you never close this place down.”
“Don’t shit on my dreams, Lily. Now it’s your turn.”
My tongue prods at the inside of my cheek as I consider the question.
What do I want?
It feels so simple, but the truth is, I have not considered it much. Not since I turned 20 and had to drop out of college. Since then I’ve simply been doing my best. Trying to survive,trying not to think about the rest of the world and how it’s spinning without my contribution.
Carlos has me thinking though I’m not sure what makes the words leave my mouth, but they’re right on the tip of my tongue.
And when I start speaking, I realize they’ve always been burning within me. “I want to have an actual job, not waitressing or bartending or singing, I want to be able to say my occupation and I want it to mean something.”
Carlos nods, gesturing for me to continue with a soft, patient smile.
“But before that I want to go back to college. Get a degree. I could even take online classes or something. I just want to finish what I started. And,” I hesitate with a small laugh, “I want to learn how to drive. It’s a little embarrassing. I’m 24 years old and I still don’t know how to drive. No one ever taught me though.”
I swallow down the hollow pit in my stomach as I say the words. The despair at what my life has become, what it’s always been.
“I could teach you,” Carlos murmurs. “You only needed to ask, Lily.”
“It doesn’t matter. Those are just dreams. Wishes spoken into the night. I have a plan. Make enough money so my mama lives a comfortable life like the queen she is. I can do that. My dreams don’t matter. But I’m going to achieve that one thing. I’ll buy her a house and I’ll make sure she has everything she wants,” I say fiercely.
“You can’t live for someone else.”
