I almost drop it.
Lola
I’m so sorry I’ve made you feel this way, Tully. The truth is, I’ve always loved you. I’ll never stop. Our time together five years ago is sacred to me, and what we shared in Nantucket is as well. I’ve missed you every day since I left. Both times.
Lola
You are so much more to me than sex. I realize now that I made everything even more confusing by sleeping with you in Nantucket and then leaving. I didn’t assume you’d ever want me back, not after the way I ended things. I really thought we were both setting real life aside in Nantucket, but it was foolish to think it wouldn’t backfire to just be in the moment. We’ve never just been a moment, have we?
Lola
I understand why you’d hate me. Know that all the anger and hatred you’re feeling for me now is something I feel about myself on a daily basis. I don’t deserve your kindness.
Lola
There is no one in this world who deserves happiness more than you, Tully. You’re the best person, and knowing that I’ve brought nothing but pain to your life is something that will always haunt me.
Lola
I will walk the other way when I see you. Not because I don’t want to see you with my whole heart, but because you’re worthy of someone so much better than me.
I read it twice. Three times. The words blur. My chest feels like someone’s sitting on it. After five years of radiosilence. After I texted apologies, explanations, stupid drunkI miss youmessages that went unanswered. After Nantucket when she walked out, and I thought that was finally it—she’s responding.
I can’t fucking believe it.
My thumbs shake as I type back.
Jesus, Lola. I can’t breathe.
There’s so much to say, but first: Why now? Why answer after all this time when you never did before?
Dots appear. Disappear. Appear again.
Lola
I knew I was weak and blocked you. Until tonight, if you can believe that. And that was probably because I’ve had so many vodka cranberries.
Lola
I saw the fight. Are you okay?
My pulse hammers in my ears.
She was watching. She will always love me. She misses me?
What is this mindfuck I’m living?
I’m fine. You watched the game?
Lola
I watch all your games
I feel like I’m in an alternate reality right now. How drunk are you?
Lola
I had four vodka cranberries.Five? Not sure.
