I took a step inside, but turned back, his eyes widening in surprise as I put my hand on his chest. “I want to say this. I know this will be different than my parents. Mama once told me she’d gone into her marriage with no trust in my father.”
His forehead creased with concern as I looked up at him, the porch light creating shadows on his face. I tapped his chest, his eyes following the movement.
“I trust your heart, Mike Walker. I don’t know why, because this goes against everything she’s drilled into me my whole life. But I trust you.”
When his eyes met mine again, they were full of emotion. He slowly leaned towards me, and I inhaled loudly. The sound made him blink, and he pulled up to his full height.
“I’ll do everything in my power not to ever betray your trust, Ren.”
“I know you will.” Our eyes took each other in as our words surrounded us. After a few beats, he rapped his knuckles on the door.
“Okay, well, lock up. I’ll wait til I hear it.” I smiled and nodded, walking inside. It was a few minutes after I’d closed the door before I heard him pull away. I leaned on it, grateful I’d left a lamp on earlier, and looked around the cottage.
“Father, I don’t know what You’re doing, but Mike is right.” I closed my eyes. “You’re in this. You’ve led me here and now, oh boy, now I’m getting married.”
My eyes flew open, and I stepped out of my shoes, not bothering to put them neatly by the door as I’d done before. Iwalked to the back door and looked out at the stars. They were easier to see here near the water, and away from the bright lights of downtown.
“Married.” I whispered into the darkness, the ocean waves crashing over the sand. “Married!” Suddenly, I giggled and wished I could call Vicky, but it was after two in the morning.
Despite my life having irrevocably changed, I felt more peaceful and contented than I had in years. The shadow of doubt reared its head, but I pushed it down, buoyed by the certainty that God was truly in this. I quickly got ready for bed, my thoughts whirling around.
Before long, Mike texted that he was home. I kind of liked the idea of having someone to text when I was on my way or had arrived. It felt intimate, but strange. I wasn’t used to letting anyone know when I came and went, and it would take some getting used to. It was starting to dawn on me how much freedom I’d be giving up, but as I rolled over in bed and hugged my pillow, my last thought was how much I would gain in return.
And also…Mike said that he knewIwasn’t in love yet. My heart fluttered at what that subtle statement meant.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Mike
Checkingthe time difference in Kenya, I tried my parents’ phone, knowing they wouldn’t be able to answer. Their last email said they would be off-grid for several weeks. I’d emailed them that morning just in case, and when the phone finally went to voicemail, I left a message.
“Hey, guys. I really need you to call me back when you get this. It’s Grammy. She’s in the hospital. She’s stable, but we need to talk. I’ll be waiting to hear from you. I love you.”
Hanging up, I took a deep breath, realizing how exhausted I was. My body felt like a truck had hit it. Stretching out my neck, I blinked a few times to keep awake as I drove home.
“What a day, Lord. Thank you for answering my prayer. Both of them, I guess. For giving me more time with Grammy and bringing Ren into my life.”
I swallowed and sat up straight as the adrenaline of the day wore off. As I took my exit, I continued praying.
“I’m sure it’s my pride keeping me from opening up about my depression to people I should trust. Or maybe I feel like it bringsYou shame so they will feel that way towards me, too.” I rubbed my hand over my face in frustration. “I can’t seem to release this to You. I’m so embarrassed and even more angry that I can’t beat this by myself.”
Taking the exit to my home, I listened to the rumble of the road and shook my head to stay awake. An image of Ren’s vulnerable eyes when she said yes to me filled my heart and I had to inhale loudly.
“Father, she’s so beautiful, so perfect, inside and out. I, I don’t deserve her, yet I know it was You tugging at my heart to ask her. I promise to get this under control so I can be what Ren needs me to be. She deserves the world, and I’m going to find a way to give it to her. I told her she could trust me. Help me to keep that promise.”
Strangely, I felt His peace cover me, just as it did when Ren prayed for me. It solidified my belief that my prayers could still be answered even though I was struggling. But I knew I either needed to get a hold of this depression or surrender this shame I felt to Him, but I wasn’t ready for the latter yet. I knew I could do this on my own.
By the time I got home, I walked in like a zombie, grateful that my neighbor had let Max out for me.
His head lifted when he heard me come in, and he walked as slowly as I did, his beauty rest disturbed.
“Hey, boy,” I grumbled as I scratched his head and kissed him there. “No energy tonight. I’ll make it up to you tomorrow. Go back to sleep.”
By the time I left the bathroom after a hot shower that felt like heaven, I chuckled when I saw him sprawled out on my bed.
“Move over, you big pain in my rear. No snoring or you’re banned to the living room again.” He opened his eyes and closed them right back as if I was bothering him. As I crawled into bed, my last warning came out as a whisper. “Don’t hog the covers.”
The next morning, my alarm went off at six, and I hurried to call Grammy’s nurse, who said she was feeling better and would undergo a few more tests. The doctor had asked me to limit my visits to just a few today, so I told her I’d stop by before lunch.
