I stood up and paced my office as if I could outrun the next memory that I knew was coming. One night, after losing myself in things I knew better than to indulge in, I sat on the bathroom floor of my apartment. Frightened and in tears, I reached out to the person I’d rejected. Out of desperation, I asked God to make Himself real to me one more time.
I asked for His forgiveness, and just as my father had promised, His redeeming grace and peace filled that tiny space. I’d cried bitter tears that turned to a joy I’d never experienced before. After that, my life changed in every way. God became my God, not the one my family had followed all my life. There was a reckoning in that room that night. He became more real than He ever had been all those years going to youth group and church, trying to be a good boy for the sake of my family. Jesus became my Savior that night, and everything changed.
“Mike, Jim wants to know what time you’re leaving for Scripps. He’d like to see you before if you have time,” my coworker Randy said, peeking his head into my office, his thick glasses slipping from his face.
“I have time. Tell him I’ll be right there. Thanks, Randy.”
Tempted to slip the wooden cross into my pocket for the day, I chose to gently place it back where it belonged. It served as my daily reminder that God’s grace is always present in a place where my beliefs were constantly questioned by others. I tried to explain to my coworkers how I’d come to understand that science and faith could intersect, but never wanting to be pushy, I tried to let my life be a light.
But this darkness you’re facing isn’t light. What will they think if they knew what you’re going through? They’d never come to God if they knew you struggled with depression.
Looking at the cross one more time, I said, “Forgive me for my weak faith. Help me, Father.”
Pushing back my chair, I grabbed my phone and headed to my boss’s office, praying this moody cloud would lift soon.
An hour later,I was pulling up to the institute, taking in the beautiful view of La Jolla’s shoreline before going inside. Taking a deep breath, the smell of saltwater soothed my mind, as always. I needed to plan a surf day with Niko and the guys soon.
When I reached the reception desk, my guide, Lindsey, was already waiting for me. With a warm smile of appreciation as she took me in, she said, “Welcome, Michael. It’s so nice to meet you in person.”
Reciprocating the smile, I answered, “Call me Mike. It is so nice to finally meet. Thank you again for having me. This is a great opportunity for Lumina and for me.”
Leading me toward the elevator, Lindsey said, “Yes, we pride ourselves on being able to partner with local businesses interested in marrying marine biology with other fields. How long have you been in the research field?”
“Ten long years,” I said with a laugh.
We entered the elevator, and she pressed the button for the third floor, never taking her attention off me. Her eyes appreciated my face with a smile and raised eyebrows, and as we talked, she found reasons to touch my forearms and shoulder.
This was common with the women I met because of my outgoing personality, but I was raised to respect women. The mistakes I made in those early years away from God were long behind me. Even though I enjoyed going out with women, it was mostly as friends or a casual date. I hadn’t dated anyone seriously in years.
When my visit was over, Lindsey rode back down with me to the first floor and walked me to the door.
“I’ve enjoyed spending time with you, Mike. If I’m not too bold, I’d love to see you again. Are you interested?” she asked with a saucy smile and a squeeze of my arm. She was a beautiful woman, and at another time, I would’ve exchanged numbers and gone out to dinner with her. But for months, I just hadn’t felt right about dating.
Shaking her hand, I said, “It was so nice to meet you, Lindsey, but unfortunately, I’m not in a place where I’m available right now.”
Her smile disappeared as she nodded her head and said goodbye, obviously disappointed at being turned down.
I rubbed the back of my neck as I slid into my truck, heading back to the office. She was just the type of woman who attracted me. Funny, sweet, outgoing. But nothing pulled me in and made me want to see her again. This had been going on since before Niko met Leyla again after nine years. Seeing the way they fell in love made me long for something different, and casual dating no longer held an appeal.
My grandmother called just as I was walking in the door of Lumina, thirty minutes later. “Hey, Grammy. Everything okay?” That feeling of dread flowed through my veins like ink.
“Everything is fine, Mikey. I keep telling you to chill out.”
Breathing out in relief, I pinched the phone between my shoulder and ear, juggling my bag and the cup of coffee I’d stopped to get.
“Good, then how can I help you, oh queen?” I joked, using my nickname for her when I wanted to get on her good side. She fussed at me and pouted whenever she thought I was panicking.
“Now we’re talking,” she chuckled. “I just wanted to see if you could come look at something in my apartment when you get off, please?”
Frowning as I took the stairs, I asked, “I’m happy to, but wouldn’t the maintenance department there get to you quicker? What’s going on?”
She exhaled sharply, and I could almost see her waving her hands. “The last time I called them, they took a week to get back to me. And it’s nothing much. Just a dripping faucet that’s keeping me awake. Just stop by on your way home. I’ll make you something in case you’re hungry.”
Grammy knew I kept tools in my truck, so I answered, “No problem. I’ll see you in a few hours.
“Oh, wonderful, Mikey. Have I told you that you’re my favorite grandson?”
Shaking my head as I carefully set down everything on my desk, I said, “I’m your only grandson. See you soon.”
