“Father, show me how to reach her.” I’d learned that going to Him in prayer when I felt anxious kept my mind in a better place. And whatever was happening with my wife was surely making me anxious.
We’d been discussing getting her a car, and I had hoped that giving her back that independence would help. I pulled into the driveway, waving to Sam next door. A few black clouds had accumulated, and a rumble of thunder rolled in the distance.
Having gotten out of a meeting early, I was hoping to surprise her by taking her out to dinner. I’d even stopped to pick up a bouquet of gardenias she loved.
As soon as I got through the door, I knew something was wrong. Neither Ren nor Max came out to greet me, but I heard him whimpering in the back of the house. Tossing my keys, phone, and the flowers haphazardly on the table, I rushed to where the sound was coming from, my heart racing. I stopped short in front of Ren’s room when I heard her sobbing.
“Ren, it’s me,” I called out nervously, knocking on her door. “Please open up.”
I heard rustling, but she didn’t come to the door. Sniffling, she answered, “I’m fine, Mike. I’ll come out in a few minutes.”
“No, I’m not leaving this door until you open it. Please don’t ask me to go away.” My pride was abandoned, and I was not beneath begging.
Max was whimpering louder now that he knew I was on the other side, and his scratching on the door was probably what got me what I wanted, namely, Ren opening the door.
She stood in the doorway, her eyes swollen from crying, and as Max head-butted me in the legs, I pulled her into my arms.
“What are you doing home so early?” she said, her voice muffled from her stuffy nose.
“Apparently, coming home to destroy whoever made you cry,” I said sternly, closing my eyes as I inhaled her sweet fragrance. Thoughts of that man in the restaurant attempting to touch her made my blood boil.
Her arms hung limp at her sides, and I slowly pulled back to look at her. “Talk to me, Ren. You’re scaring me.” My eyes were wide as I scanned her face, taking in her red, perfect nose and pale complexion.
She shook her head and looked away, her lips trembling. Finally, she whispered, “I can’t do this anymore, Mike.”
Warning bells went off like an explosion inside me.She was leaving me.That’s all I could think as I looked at her, my expression no doubt showing the devastation I felt.
I swallowed hard. “What do you mean? I, I don’t understand. Tell me what I’ve done.”
She covered her face with her hands, hiccupping from her sobs. “Mike, I don’t deserve you. I can’t give you what you want. I’ve tried so hard to figure out how to do this, and I can’t. I don’t know how to love you. I’ve prayed, but I still don’t know what to do.”
“Ren, you already are. Can’t youseethat? Everything that you do for me shows me you love me,” I said, pulling her hands away from her face and holding them.
On a loud sob, she said, “I’m going to fail you, I just know it. I’ve seen and felt the way you love me, and I feel so inadequate.It’s been almost two months since the wedding. I should be able to tell my husband that I love him.”
My heart was racing, and my throat went dry. “Ren, what are you afraid of?”
She rushed past me and headed out to the backyard, one of her favorite places in our house.
I ran after her, Max on my heels. Standing in the grass, breathing heavily, she put her hand on her chest. I held her arms again, trying to calm her down.
“Breathe with me, my love. Take a breath. That’s it. Slow it down.” After a few minutes, her breathing regulated just as a few raindrops started to fall. “Now talk to me. Please.”
“Mike, can’t you see? I’m afraid I’ll end up like my mother, and you’ll resent me for this marriage,” she said, scanning my eyes.
“You’renotyour mother. You’re sunshine and joy. You exude God’s love. He’s shown you how to love, Renata. He’s the author of that love, ofourlove. Can’t you see that He’s even melting your mother’s cold heart?” I was frantically trying to find the words to make her stay. I couldn’t lose her. I’d never survive it if I did.
“Then why can’t I say the words? What’swrongwith me?” She was so distraught, my heart ached. I silently asked God to help me say what she needed to hear, and suddenly I knew what it was.
“Listen to me.” I pulled her closer again, both of us starting to get wet as the rain came down harder. I pushed her hair from her face and said, “You say them in the way you speak to me with patience and care. You say them every time you hold me when I’m facing my own darkness.”
She tried to pull away, shaking her head, but I wasn’t going to stop until she understood. Both of us were breathing heavily. My arm banded around her waist, keeping her in place as Ilaid my hand on her cheek. Her doe eyes found mine, blinking back the raindrops as mine scanned her face frantically, hoping she would listen and not walk away from me. Somewhere in the distance thunder roared, matching what was going on in my heart.
“You tell me you love me when you treat Grammy like your own family or my friends like you’ve known them all your life. Ren, you say you love me every time you pray over me. Do you have any idea what you’vebecometo me? How much my life has brightened since you came into it? How you’re the air that I breathe?”
Her eyes narrowed as she gulped for air, shaking her head, her curls bouncing as she did. “Itcan’tbe that simple. There has to be something I need to do to deserve you, to accept your love. To be able to reciprocate it? Do you understand that I’ve never told a man those words? I’m damaged, Mike. You, you call me Spitfire because I don’t like being weak. I’m notrightfor you, Mike. Can’t you see that?”
“Ren,” I breathed out, desperate for her to understand me. “I call you Spitfire because you’re beautifully independent and strong and fierce. That doesn’t intimidate me. Thatexcitesme. It makes me want to keep showing up for you. Both to let you know that I’m always by your side when you need my helpandto watch you shine. I don’t want to take from you. I want to give. I want to give youeverything.”
