PROLOGUE
EMBER
Fifteen yearsago
I lay in the hospital bed, feeling a mix of heartbreak and relief. The monitors beep in a low constant rhythm while I lay and wait for the nurse to come in to update me, dreading what comes next. The fluorescent lights in the ceiling are turned down, the window allowing natural light to flood in. The walls are a soft cream color, with the TV mounted across from me. Beside the TV is the patient whiteboard that has all of my information and patient goals. “Have a healthy baby!” is checked off on the board. Hearing the door open, I cringe as I lay in the bed. Nurse Claire pulls the curtain back and confirms my fear with her next words.
“Now that the social worker is gone, we’ll get you moved onto the postpartum floor for tonight.” She slides the blood pressure cuff onto my arm. “If everything goes smoothly overnight, you’ll be discharged tomorrow.” After sliding the cuff off, she logs into her computer and enters my vitals into my chart.
I sit there quietly, taking it all in and dreading that I’ll be surrounded by newborn cries and mothers singing soft lullabies.
My mom and Ensley, my childhood best friend, just left to go shower and nap now that the baby had arrived safely. I am supposed to be sleeping, beginning the journey of recovery after giving birth, but I can’t sleep. The heartbreak is drowning me.
The nurse walks to the sink in the room, washing her hands quietly, before heading toward the door.
I begin to panic. “Is there another place mothers can go, who aren’t taking their baby home?” My eyes begin to blur, filling with tears. “I know sometimes, if the baby passes, the hospital can put the family away from the cries and stuff.” I stammer, trying to will my seventeen-year-old self to make sense and not sound as weak as I feel.
Nurse Claire looks at me, a sequence of emotions passing across her face. “I can talk to the postpartum floor and see what we can do.”
I instantly feel a weight lift off my chest and blow out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding. I look up at her and meet her eyes, feeling weak. Claire locks eyes gently with me, and it seems like she wants to say more. I immediately feel heat rush to my face, and words are flowing out of me before I can stop them. “I know it's not the same, and if it's me or another mom who is actually experiencing a loss…”
The nurse holds up her hand and cuts me off. “Ember, you are experiencing a loss—it's just one you chose.”
I look down at my clasped hands and feel the tears begin to slip down my cheeks. It hurts to hear, even though there is truth behind it.
“I didn’t mean for that to come out as harshly as it did, but I wanted you to remember that you chose this. Because you know that at seventeen you can’t give him the life you know he deserves.” Claire comes a little closer, sitting on the edge of the hospital bed, drying herhands. “I can’t imagine having to make that decision, and I will try my hardest to put you where you can begin recovering without the added mental warfare.” She pats my leg and gives me a small smile before getting up and closing the door softly.
I lay my head down, facing toward the big window, and let the tears fall. Crying for the little boy I chose to give away.
CHAPTER ONE
EMBER
Fifteen yearslater
Finishing up my makeup, I add my highlighter to my cheekbones and mist my setting spray. Music blares in my bathroom as I get myself ready for today. I have about ten minutes before I need to make my way over to Atlas’s house.
Heading to the kitchen, my phone in my back pocket is still blaring my ‘get ready’ music playlist. I decide that one more cup of coffee can’t hurt. I reach my Keurig and press the second cup setting, adding a splash of my favorite creamer.
Did I get that present for Aria wrapped and set by the door?I will myself to remember if I had while I sip my warm cup of coffee.
Today is my niece's first birthday and the last big get-together before Asher, my sister's husband, is sent overseas for an assignment. He’s special forces in the Special Tactics Squadron and is being sent on deployment for six months. I’d moved near Atlas and Asher to help with the baby, since I needed a fresh start anyway, and she was going toneed help with my favorite little lady. Our parents will be coming out here and there to visit, but Dad’s health has become my Mom’s top priority. The only drawback to where we live now is how close we are to our hometown. The one I left years ago, without a single hesitation. I hate being anywhere near the place I called home for so long. It was home, a long time ago, but now it is just a tainted series of memories I wish I could forget.
Finishing up my coffee and slipping on my Converse, I head for the closet and grab my purse and Aria’s present. Atlas only lives seven minutes away, so I made my buffalo chicken dip and the macaroni and cheese dish at her house last night. I stop and take one last look in the mirror before I head out the door and slip into my Honda Civic.
As I pull into my sister's driveway, I can already see a few people have arrived. I park my car and head toward the door. As I get closer to the house, I hear music carrying from the backyard, a baby crying, and the oven timer going off. When I enter the house, I don’t see anyone. I set my stuff on the counter and walk over to see what's in the oven. Seeing that it’s the buffalo chicken dip, a perfect brown layer of toasted cheese across the top, I pull it out. As soon as I have the oven closed, the crying gets louder. Just as I turn around to put the dish on the counter, Atlas comes in carrying Aria, who is sobbing. I can see Atlas is on the verge of tears herself.
Aria spots me as soon as they enter the room and reaches for me. Atlas is quick to make her way over to me, and as soon as she’s close I pull them both into a hug. I hug her tight and rub small circles on her back.
“I know, babe. It's going to be okay though. I'm less than ten minutes away and I can come over and stay with you anytime you want.”
Atlas sniffles. “And watch Twilight?”
I throw my head back and laugh loudly, taking Aria from her. “Hell yeah! We can get our “Hoa Hoa Hoa” on.”
Atlas heads back to her room to clean herself up before more guests arrive. Aria and I head out back to see who else is here. We round the corner to the back deck, and I stop dead in my tracks. Walking up the short driveway to the backyard is a group of four men. They’re headed over to Asher, who’s manning the grill. None of them have seen me, but my eyes are glued to Harley fucking Blackwood.
Just as I'm about to attempt to quietly back away and retreat inside before I’m seen, Aria lets out a loud bubbly scream. The group looks over, and Harley’s eyes land on me. His eyes go wide, and shock is written all over his face at the sight of me.
