My breath catches, and everything around us seems to stop.
“Rawley, this is my sister, Ember!” Atlas chimes in, not noticing my frozen state.
He sticks out his hand. “Oh right, you said she was gonna be helping some outside too once Asher leaves.”
Atlas laughs. “Well probably not a ton outside, but maybe during the summer I can con her into helping a little bit.”
I take his hand and shake it, finally breaking the weird trance I seem to have fallen into. “Yeah my tasks are to help with Miss Aria,” I say in a joking manner, looking at Atlas.Does she see it at all? Am I fucking losing it?
Asher comes in with a white envelope in his hand, and tosses it over to Rawley. “Here ya go! What game were you getting again?” They fall into a chat about tech and coding.
I need to get out of here and to get some air. I rise from the table and try to busy myself by gathering dishes and carrying them into the kitchen.
Harley comes up behind me. “You okay, babe?” he asks, worry-wrinkles creasing his forehead. “You’re white as a ghost.”
“Oh I'm fine.” It's just a weird feeling. It has to be. “I think I might have drank more wine than I thought I had.” I let out a restricted laugh.
“Here, you go back and sit down.” He kisses my cheek and takes the dishes from my hands. “I’ll take care of these.”
He’s too good to me. I let him take the dishes, and he turns the water on. I hug him, my front pressed against his back. I give him a squeeze before slowly heading back into the dining room.
“Yeah, we should be good on needing help with the mowing for a bit,” Asher is saying as I walk up. “But the weeds might sprout back up pretty quick.”
I watch the boy. Taking in all of his features. This couldn’t be my baby. I had him hours from here. The adoption was closed. I wasn’t allowed to know where he went. And for my own sanity, I liked it that way. Now, though, I wish I had something to confirm or deny this feeling. I have seen kids with red hair, usually closer to my color, or those bright blue eyes. Dean’s eyes. As much as I despise Dean’s existence now, his eyes were the first thing to catch my attention all those years ago. He had the prettiest eyes.
This kid—Rawley, they said his name was—has bright blue eyes. They’re shaped differently than Dean’s, but they have that same blue shine.
I can not shake this feeling, and I actually am beginning to understand that old quote, “a mother just knows,”despite never having felt likea real mother before.
“Alright, well my mom had dinner almost done when I was heading over, so I better get back!” Rawley announces.
“Yeah, yeah! We don’t need your mama mad at us.” Asher laughs, patting Rawley on the back and leading him out. “We’d have to find a new lawn dude.”
“Oh, it was good to meet you, Ember!” Rawley turns and says before they leave my view.
I sit down at the table, stunned. I don’t know how to process this. I don’t know if I should pry, and ask Atlas about his parents. I don’t know if I just forget this and keep on with my life. I take a few more minutes to recoup before Atlas comes back in, holding Aria, who is now in her footie pajamas.
“Oh look at Auntie’s baby.” I grab her from Atlas and snuggle her into my body. I love when she’s got her little jammies on. So snuggly and warm.
Harley comes in, wiping his hands on a dish towel. “Alright, all the plates are clean and put back in the cabinet. Silverware is in the dish drainer, and the wine glasses are drying on the counter.”
Atlas’s eyes slide over to me and she does her eyebrow wiggle. “He cooks, and does the dishes,” she says in a menacing tone. “Better lock that shit down quick, my dude.”
Harley throws his head back, laughing and throwing the dish towel over her shoulder. “She’s already got me locked down.”
“Already?” Asher says as he comes in and slips Aria from my hands. “You pregnant?”.
I flip him the double bird and form an overly dramatic stank face. In that moment though, any retaliation I might've had dies from my lips, realizing Harley and I have not been carefulat all. They don’t need to know that though. “No, I'm not pregnant, youlittle shit.”
I can’t imagine trying to bring a baby into the world right now. While having a psychotic ex who spends his every waking moment making my life hell. After the baby, it took me years to decide if I ever wanted children of my own. I finally decided I didn’t necessarily want to make a final decision. Not yet. I just know that I want my life to be on solid ground when and if that does ever come for me. Part of me has always felt like I don't deserve to experience that happiness. I already had that opportunity, and I gave it away.
It isn’t until I hear Harley say something about us heading home that I realize I had been on autopilot while I let all my thoughts race through my head. I squeeze Atlas and Aria before she heads to the nursery to lay Aria down for the night.
After she’s out of earshot, I lower my voice and ask Asher how she’s actually doing.
“I can’t tell if she’s okay or if she’s forcing herself to play like she is so that she doesn't feel the weight of me leaving soon,” Asher lets out, sounding absolutely exhausted.
I honestly can’t even imagine. And Atlas doesseemokay, but honestly, her poker face is phenomenal. I make a mental note to schedule a manicure date with her next week.
