“Just now. Are you okay?”
“No, this fucking baby won’t stop moving and my whole body hurts and my back keeps spasming.”
“Oh, okay. How can I help?”
What did one normally do for a pregnant woman?
She sighed. “Well, can you rub my back please? It helps when Coop does it, and he can’t right now because he’s fucking away, isn’t he?”
Okay, so it clearly wasn’t happy Freddie I was getting today, although I did understand her frustration at the constant pain.
“Yes, of course.” I looked at her lying on the ball. “How do I do that?”
She rolled her eyes. “Sit on the couch and I’ll move over there, but I need to pee first, so can you help me up please?”
She held her hands out toward me and I took them, pulling her up to standing. As I did, Freddie bent over double with a groan, warm liquid hitting the floor near my feet.
I was too shocked to be horrified, both of us staring with our mouths wide open at the puddle forming on the floor.
“Nooooo! This cannot be happening.”
“Fred, don’t worry about it. It’s a first for me too. I’ve never been pissed on before either.”
I grinned at her but her eyes may as well have been shooting daggers as she squeezed tightly onto my hands. “I didn’t piss on you, you moron. My water just broke. Oh my fucking God. This cannot be happening! This baby isn’t supposed to come for two weeks!”
Oh my fucking God, was right.
And also surprising, considering this baby’s mother was consistently late for everything.
“Fred, are you sure you didn’t just have an accident? It’s okay if you did. You said you needed to pee.”
“Yes, I’m fucking sure.”
Cool. This was no big deal. Just a baby coming. I could do this.
“Okay, Fredster, it’s okay. I’m here. Where are your moms? And where’s your birthing plan?”
Whoa.Where did that come from? I’d clearly been listening to way too much baby chat recently, which is what happens when you can’t fucking walk away from a conversation you don’t want to be in.
But good, this was good. What else could I remember?
“Everyone went to the spa today,” she groaned, standing up straighter and taking a deep breath, letting go of my hands. “What time is it?”
I looked at my watch. “It’s twelve fifteen.”
Her chin started trembling and her eyes filled with tears which spilled over. “This baby can’t come while Coop is away. He needs to be here. I can’t have it, Felix. I can’t!”
I pulled her into a hug, stroking her hair. “Hey, hey. It’s okay, he’ll be here. I’ll get him here for you, I promise. But first, I think we need to change you out of your clothes. Can you have a shower while I make some calls? I’ll stay right outside, okay?”
She pulled back and nodded. “Please don’t leave.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” I led her into the bathroom as calmly as I could and turned on the shower while she stood there. “I’m going to call Ralphie to collect us so he can take us to the hospital, because we should probably be there. And I’ll call Coop and your mom.”
She grimaced again, rubbing her hands over the giant baby that seemed desperate to make an appearance.
“Freddie?”
“I’m okay,” she sniffed.
