“But how’s that ever going to happen if you can’t trust me with the hours you work? I thought I knew you better than anyone else did, but clearly I don’t.”
“Lex…”
“Mol, I have never asked you to choose between me and your job. I’ve only ever asked you to trust, in me and in us.”
“I’m trying. I don’t like failing, and I didn’t want to fail at us. My heart aches all the time from loving you, and if we don’t work out, then I don’t know if I can cope with that.”
My heart was too angry to melt at the tears falling down her face; in fact they only made it grow. “That’s bullshit! You’re not trying. You’re too fucking scared to try. If you were trying then you wouldn’t have been questioning that Fellowship, you would have been excited to share it with me because you know how fucking proud I’d have been.”
She reached out for my hand, hers so little next to mine, but I dropped mine away before she could touch me.
“Felix, I’ve said I’m taking it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. What do you want me to do?”
I saw a flash of our future, of how our relationship was going to be for the rest of time: her doing shit then begging for forgiveness later instead of including me in the first place. And if I wasn’t careful, I’d let her. But this wasn’t okay, and it wasn’t how I wanted our lives to be, and I was beyond pissed she’d put us in this position.
“You’re the brains of the two of us, figure it the fuck out. And while you’re doing that, maybe figure out what you want.”
“What do you mean?”
I turned to the door, needing to get out of there before I broke and we were back to the beginning, which would get us nowhere. My hand gripped onto the handle.
“Felix, what do you mean? Where are you going?” Her voice started rising with a panic I’d never heard before, and I hatedwhat I was about to do. But it was the only way. She needed to figure it out, and this time I couldn’t help her.
I held her gaze, her eyes brimming with tears and pain. “I think you need to decide what you want. Decide whether you’re wasting your time with me, whether this,us, is wasting your time, because right now, I have no fucking clue. I’m not going to leave you, but can you honestly say you’re not going to leave me when things get tough? Because sometimes, they will get tough.”
She didn’t move, her face frozen in shock. The tears I’d caused were freefalling down her cheeks and I worked hard to swallow mine down. Because they were there, stuck in my throat and pushing to erupt like a geyser.
“I’ll give you a week.”
“What?”
“You’ve got a week.”
Her chest heaved. “For what?”
“To decide on whether you’re willing to trust me. Whether you’re willing to go the distance. I love you so much, but I’m not putting either of us through this if you don’t believe I can love you enough.”
“What?” Each sob was a dagger to my heart. “Lex, please. I’m taking the Fellowship.”
I could feel myself crumbling inside, imploding like a building demolition; one I’d lit the fuse on. I cupped her face, her soft skin damp under my palms. “I know, baby, but I don’t know if it’s enough.”
“Lex, please don’t do this.”
“I’m sorry, Mol.”
I couldn’t stop myself from pressing my lips to hers, so hard I hope mine bruised, because I didn’t know if this would be the last time I’d get to kiss her, and I wanted her imprinted on me. I stayed until the salt of her tears touched the tip of my tongue, and then pulled away. I didn’t look back as I left her office, Icouldn’t, too desperate to escape the excessive display of my love in vases on every surface. The sound of her sobbing was already too much for me, deepening the cracks in my heart until it split open, the pieces freefalling in my chest.
I stood by the elevator waiting for it to arrive. The cardiology department was one floor down. Maybe I should stop there, although I’m not sure even they’d be able to help.
It would be like using a band aid on a bullet wound. And as far as I knew, there was no medical cure for a broken heart.
Chapter 39
Ralph took one look at my face and drove me straight to Drew’s, who also took one look at my face and poured me a large whiskey, even though it wasn’t yet eleven a.m.
I sat down at the island, my head in my hands.
“You gonna tell me who died?”
