“Thomas,” he cuts me off gently.
I realize quickly that he’s correcting me, so I nod. “You fought Thomas and Gareth when they opposed me being the finance director for the merger. Because… you knew I wanted it. I was good at it.”
He swallows hard, breathing still uneven.
I know he’s wondering where I’m going with this. But I need to preface my question with all that I’m saying. I’m scared that this clarity I’ve gained is momentary and I’ll lose it all to a manic haze. “You never called me Celestine again when you learned I preferred Cece. You… knew when I needed a hug. I’d…” I pull at his shirt collar. “I’d do this, and you’d know. You always hugged me.”
A pained whimper escapes his throat, and he opens his mouth to say something, but I quickly shake my head. “You knew all of these things and more. In fact, you started showing me your love way before you ever said those words. And at some level, I think you even knew that I was hesitant in returning them. You loved me…” I frown as I scramble to find the right word, “specifically. In specific ways that meant so much more to me than your words.”
“Baby, why are you—” he croaks, his voice thick. “Please don’t use past tense.”
My gaze softens at his plea, a wry smile curving my lips. “Levi, you forgot them.”
He shakes his head, eyes wide. “I never stopped loving—”
God. I believe him. I do. But—
“But for weeks, you forgot them. And I don’t wantto hold those weeks against you. I know you were struggling. I know that. But then you started keeping things from me. Things that blindsided me. All while you stopped—”loving me.I shake my head, not willing to voice it. “You stopped paying attention.”
His chest shudders on a ragged exhale, eyes squeezing shut. “I know I did that. And I’m so sorry. I never stopped loving you. If I could—”
“Go back and do things differently?” I ask with a sad smile, and he sighs. “I just told you I don’t want to hold those things against you. And I really don’t. Please know that I don’t.”
He looks so defeated that my chest starts aching. I don’t want him looking this hopeless. Because we’re not.
So I scramble to explain more. Desperate to make him understand where I’m coming from. “Levi, I-I should’ve had this conversation weeks ago. We should’ve actually talked this through, but…”
I was too busy abandoning my medication. Busy letting my withdrawal claw its way through my body. Utterly and pathetically rung out under the influence of my lows and highs.
He shakes his head slowly, staring emptily into my eyes. “Neither of us was in that space, baby. Things were happening a little too fast. And I could see you needed time.”
He sits up straighter, tightening his hold on me like I’d run away because of his next words. “But Cece… I shouldn’t have put you in a position to make you—” He chokes up, clearing his throat. “To make you question my love for you.”
“I did question it for a while. I questioned it because of the clause. I questioned it because of Iris. Ieven questioned myself…”for being difficult to deal with. “But I forgave you,” I quickly add when his eyes start to shine with unshed tears. “I think eventually I did. I forgave you because you… you stayed even when new specific things started showing up. The newCecesthat even I couldn’t understand.”
A broken laugh escapes him. “Baby, I love every version of you.”
My chest squeezes painfully at his words. The way he says them. Like they’re the easiest truths he’s ever spoken.
His hand finds mine where it’s resting between us. His thumb brushes over my knuckles before my gaze catches on the ring looped around his little finger.
My ring.
The one he refuses to put away. The one he’s carried around like some ridiculous promise.
I stare at the ring, my throat tightening all over again.
God. He’s wearingmyring onhislittle finger. As though he never wants to risk forgetting what it means.
And he’s still here. Even after I told him I want us to wait until we know we’re good for each other. Without the clause dictating our lives.
Will he always be, though?
“So my question is… well, I’m just scared that one day something else will happen, and you’ll forget again,” I whisper because I don’t think I can speak through the lump in my throat. “Will you forget to love me…specifically?”
He’s silent for so long that panic begins clawing its way back into my chest.
“I know life doesn’t work that way, Levi. Neither ofus can be one hundred percent all the time. I’m not asking you to… I just…” My voice trails off when his expression turns distant, thoughtful.
