My name. The name I had chosen. The name that gave me power and a sense of self when I’d had nothing but a garbage bag full of things I’d managed to throw together as I ran in the night.
My name, on his lips, in his voice, brought that blissful buzz to a deep trembling vibration. It took hold of each limb, each finger and toe, every drop of blood in my body. I couldn’t even form words. All I could manage was to hold him closer, to wrap my arms tighter around his shoulders, to take in all those bits and pieces of him again. The smoothness of his skin, the salt on my tongue, the scent of him in my lungs.
It was beauty and passion and love and safety in a way I had never felt, and I never wanted to leave. I wanted this to last forever. I wanted to stay in this moment for the rest of my life.
Between heavy breaths, sweat dampening my shoulder, he whispered in my ear, “But I never want to again.”
Tingling all over, still enraptured in the heat of this moment, my head collapsed to his shoulder. His arms coiled around my waist, my legs doing the same to his. A quiet laugh escaped me. Another trembled his chest. His lips came to my cheek, then my hair, and together, we sank into the soft linen below.
It feltlike I was high. Maybe drunk.
Simple euphoria. The euphoria anyone felt when lying skin to skin with someone they loved. Simple, I called it, but how complex it felt when so much time had passed since having last experienced it.
Then again, I’d never experienced anything quite like this before.
Resting my head on his chest, I glanced around at the curtains, the canopy on the bed, then the intricate woodwork of the frame. “You really don’t like this stuff?”
“Hmm?”
I propped my chin on his chest, stroking my fingertips through the hair atop it. “The decor in here. You don’t like it at all?”
“Honestly, I don’t think I’ve given it much thought.” Sebastian pushed some hair behind my ear. “In college, all my stuff was from IKEA.”
“All my stuff at my old house was from IKEA,” I said, “but only because I couldn’t afford anything better. You could. When you got the inheritance, you could’ve spent a little bit of it to get furniture you like.”
“I guess I’m just not that materialistic a person. The money was better spent elsewhere. This place had everything I needed, so it was fine.”
“Well, aren’t you just the stoic.”
Chuckling, he thumbed a bit of lipstick from the corner of my mouth. “Is this your way of saying you like all this?”
“Practically, no,” I said. “It’s pretentious and vain to spend this kind of money on furniture. The most responsible decision would be to sell it off and donate the money.”
“But if you weren’t being practical?”
“Oh my God, I love it.” He laughed, and I joined in. “The trim work alone. And the fact that it’s all in such great condition. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t like the yellowish cream color of the wallpaper, but the furniture? It’s like a dark academia Pinterest board.”
“If it would fit in your cabin, I would give it to you.” He pecked my forehead and sat up. “I need a drink. Do you want anything? A snack, maybe?”
“I could eat.” Draping the sheet around me as I joined him upright, I gave a smile. “Whatever you’re getting’s fine. Thanks.”
“Anything for you.” He came back in for another kiss, smiling still when he tugged away.
Once he pulled on his sweats and headed for the door, I found myself smiling at the back end of it.
I hadn’t forgotten how this night started out. But for a while, it was nice to focus on something else. It was nice to fall into a life that didn’t feel like my own.
This was all I’d wanted since I was a little girl. It was how I’d wound up with my ex. It was all Delilah had wanted, too, and how she’d wound up with hers. The same could be said for Simone. All any of us wanted was to love and be loved by someone.
But each of us had almost identical stories. We’d each thought we had found someone who was kind, caring, to share our life with, to be our partner through the ups and downs. Only for them to ruin it with infidelity or abuse. They’d tainted each of us with their chaos and control.
My stomach sunk at the realization that if something went wrong here, it would be because of my own chaos. Because someone would find out what I had done.
The timing may have seemed silly. For the past few minutes, maybe the last hour, I had been relishing in pure, unadulterated bliss. Now, I was reaching into my purse, scrambling to find the burner phone.
Gwen; Are you sure no one will find it?
I stared at the text for a moment.
