33
SEBASTIAN
“Biologically, anyway. Wasn’t much of a dad.” Rubbing a hand over my jaw, I raised my shoulders. “He was a lot like mine. Drank a lot. Had a bad temper. Was never much of a partner. And it’s kind of my fault, because Sarah didn’t like him. Not in the beginning. She turned him down half a dozen times. Then he befriended me, and I was lonely, and dorky, and Sarah felt bad for me, and she liked that the cool, popular guy was nice to me. Because of me, she gave him a chance, and she fell in love with him, and she got knocked up right out of high school, and he killed her when she tried to leave.”
Somehow, that was both the long story short and a ramble at once. I didn’t know how to explain it all, because there was so much more. Years of friendship, years of signs I’d overlooked, years of red flags I’d ignored because I’d been so desperate for friends. For stupid, external male validation.
“I don’t…” Gwen began, voice hardly above a whisper. “I don’t understand. Are you saying that this guy is what happened to Sarah? That’s why you don’t talk about it?”
Was she asking if it was hard for me to talk about Sarah’s death because Jason had caused it? Or because I’d caused his?
“I don’t talk about Sarah because her death was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I don’t talk about Jason because his death was my fault, Gwen.” My voice cracked over those words, and I wasn’t sure if I was making sense. “His death, yeah. That was all on me. I planned it. But I’m not ashamed of that, just like I don’t think you’re ashamed of what you did to David.” I waved at the blue tarp. “But I hate myself for ignoring the way he treated my sister. That’s why I don’t talk about him. Because it’s my fault they got together, and it’s my fault she died, because I should’ve killed him the first time I saw the signs.”
And there’d been many.
One time, we’d all been hanging out in a big group at a football game. Sarah was a cheerleader. Jason had said something about how her uniform looked nice today. Because she had, “put on some weight and was finally filling out the spanks.”
Everyone laughed. I hadn’t. Didn’t even understand the joke.
But I’d seen the hurt in my sister’s eyes, and I’d said nothing.
Sarah was late to her own eighteenth birthday party. Jason had dropped her off in the driveway, then peeled tire down it. Her lip was swollen, her phone broken, and when I asked what was wrong, she just said that Jason was being a pain in the ass again.
Jason showed up a few hours later. Sarah, me, a couple of her friends, and the only other one I’d had—Edwards—were hanging out on the back patio. Sarah was beside me, Edwards beside her, and his girlfriend at the time next to him. But Jason saw the two of them sitting together, and the look in his eyes was just like my dad’s.
Sarah saw it too. She’d chased after him, and we’d all heard arguing from around the side of the house. I followed them.They stood only inches apart. He puffed his chest out, making their height difference far more obvious. I couldn’t catch what they were saying, but I hadn’t like the way it looked.
“Is everything okay?” That’s all I’d managed, and it hadn’t been nearly enough.
Sarah had told me she was fine. She was handling it. She’d be back soon.
A few minutes later, his car rumbled to a start, and I didn’t see her again until the next day.
There’d been more. So many more.
But she’d kept acting like everything was fine. Sarah, I could get a moment alone with, but never Jason. If Jason was around, his nose was in Sarah’s asshole.
What would I have said anyway? I didn’t like the way he talked to my sister? It wouldn’t have mattered. I was the silly little brother. I was lucky they even let me hang around. Who was I to open my big mouth?
I should’ve opened my dad’s gun safe.
“What… What happened?” Gwen whispered. “To Sarah, I mean.”
“They got a house in town right after high school,” I told her, ignoring the cool dampness that seeped through my pants to my ass, still planted on the edge of the grave. “She was in college. He was working construction with a friend of his dad’s. They weren’t far away, not physically, but they kinda closed themselves off.” I trailed my fingers through my beard, grabbing at the end. “I thought it was because Sarah finally got away from our parents. That last year, when she was out there with Jason, and I was in my senior year of high school, we didn’t see each other much. So I don’t know everything that happened.
“I didn’t know anything was happening, not really, until my second year of college.” A knot stiffened in the back of my throat. “She called me. She was nasally, and upset, and Lizziewas screaming in the background, and she needed me to call Rhiannon. And I knew what that meant.”
Gwen was still invisible behind the blinding light, but her silhouette swayed. The tractor bounced as she leaned against it. She laid the flashlight on the seat below Honey, casting the faintest glow across her face. Enough that I could make out her features. Not clearly, but I could tell we were making eye contact now.
She finally lowered the gun. “And you did?”
“Call Rhiannon? Of course.” Jason stared back at me from his grave. And I hated that I liked looking down at him like this. I hated even more that I had damn near nothing to show for it. “Jason’s dad was the sheriff back then. Sarah called the cops, and no one came. Rhiannon did though. With a couple of her security guys. The ranch was a lot smaller then, but from what everybody’s told me in hindsight, Jason was a perfect gentleman when they got there.
“Sarah called an hour later. She said everything was okay. Rhiannon got her and Lizzie set up in a little cabin. And she kept apologizing.” Chills rose over my arms at the memory of her voice on that call. “The only thing I was sorry for was that she was going through this for so long by herself. Because it had been going on since high school.”
The knot in my throat thickened. Swallowing didn’t soothe it. The closest I got was clearing my throat. “Anyway, her last straw was that day. He’d hit her while she was holding Lizzie. Sarah dropped her on her head. And she wasn’t going to take it anymore. She gave me this whole spiel about how she didn’t want to be our mom. How Lizzie deserved better. Lizzie couldn’t grow up the way we grew up.
“I wanted to applaud her for that, but I couldn’t. I was so angry.” Licking my teeth, I stared at Jason. His hollow, empty eyes. Just as empty now as they’d been when he was alive. “I toldher I was going to get on a plane. I was going to kill the son of a bitch. She convinced me not to. Said she was going to talk to our parents and see if they could loan her enough money to get an apartment.
