Maybe this was the closest I would ever get to confirmation that the anonymous texter was on my side.
“I guess so,” I said. “Have you ever done anything like that? Lied about something huge because you had no other choice?”
“I’ve done worse than lied.” A crooked half smile. “I mean, I know Simone didn’t tell you where David was after that went down. But he couldn’t have made it very far. If I would’ve shown in that moment, that prick would’ve never walked again.”
There it was.
For a few heartbeats, we just stared at one another. Knowing. Understanding.
He wouldn’t admit to his part, and I wouldn’t admit to mine.
But we both loved Simone. We would do anything to protect her or anyone else in this place. That was Axel’s job title, after all. Security.
I would never know beyond any doubt, but sitting here, holding his gaze, was the most secure I had felt since that first text had appeared on my screen.
“Good thing we all have each other’s backs around here,” was what I managed in response.
“I’ll drink to that.” Standing, Axel nodded to someone behind me. “I’m gonna go clear Main. Don’t drink that by the time I get back.”
“I’ll grab you another if I do.” Sebastian looked over the overflowing lunch-lady cart he pushed. “Where the hell did Lizzie go?”
“Just started up the truck for Axel.” Clearing my throat, I forced a smile. “Where is that wine?”
I couldn’t expressmy relief.
It was Axel. And we agreed—everyone at the ranch had each other’s backs. If I had to guess, he’d seen me in David’s car—or followed me to the creek to be certain it was handled—saw the body float, and brought it back to the ranch. There, he put all those tools in the garage to use.
No body, no crime.
I was gonna get away with this, Axel was why, and I could finally breathe.
Finally, I could bask in all the good things I had going now. Like Simone and Junie’s safety. Like my new friendship with Delilah. Like Sebastian.
I’d been so afraid to fall, for him to learn who I was, for everything we were building to crash down around me. But maybe I was finally safe, too. Maybe I could relax my shoulders and let out a deep breath.
Life felt so good after that chat with Axel, days passed when I forgot what I had even done to David.
It only resurfaced at group.
Whenever I heard a woman tell her story, or watched her cry at the memories, that torment lit a familiar fire in me. Simone had asked to talk about it a couple times. Some of the time, she just wanted to talk about her own feelings. Her frustration that he had shown. Her regret over not having gone to Rhiannon with it to begin with. The fear of one day having to explain any of it to Junie.
As well as her relief that he was gone, and that he would never come back.
Then she’d ask me about my own feelings.
I could never answer, because I feared the way she would look at me if I told her the truth.
It’d been the right thing to do. That was my truth. If I were in that situation again, I still would have killed him. And I felt no remorse for it.
I knew how that sounded. Like I was some type of sick psychopath with no empathy or compassion.
But just looking and Simone and Junie made my eyes water with compassion and my throat thick with empathy. I had it for those who were hurt, not those who did the hurting.
How many women at the ranch would be safe if the men who put us here got a real punishment for what they’d done? What if they got what I’d done to David? After all, these men had alreadykilled us once. Our hearts may have still been beating, but part of us had died at their hands. Was a life for a life truly cruel?
In a perfect world, it may have been. The world we lived in, though, was far from perfect. Wednesday group sessions were a reminder of that. Each week, I remembered just how screwed up the world was outside of the ranch.
But I wasn’t sure I could get anyone else to understand. I wasn’t sure someone who hadn’t been in a position like Simone and I hadcouldunderstand. I wasn’t even sure she did.
