“No, I just want to know.”
Alfie’s lip twitched in amusement, but he wasn’t quite meeting my eyes. “He, um, he came in one morning complaining about noisy neighbours. And well, he only has one neighbour really.”
“I mean, we have neighbours on either side,” I said weakly.
“I know, but the way he froze after he said it and then started saying ‘shit, shit, shit’ kind of gave it away. I don’t think he was upset with you though,” he said, adding the last bit quickly. “I think he was mostly tired and grumbling. And maybe a little jealous. I’m not sure he’s had as many hook-ups as he hoped this summer.”
“Right,” I said with a nod, still struggling to process everything Alfie had told me. “Why didn’t you say anything? Aren’t you upset with me?”
He shook his head. “No, I’m not. I figured you’d tell me when you were ready if you wanted me to know. And if you were doing it to blow off steam together that wasn’t any of my business. I’m just glad Owen found a way to stop you working so much.”
“Yeah, well, sex is a pretty good form of stress relief.”
“It really is.”
I huffed out a laugh. Then stopped and stared at him as I realised what he’d said. “What do you mean by if weweredoing it to blow off steam? We are, that’s it. It’s nothing else.”
“Really?” He looked surprised and it made something twist in my chest.
“Yeah. Of course. Why? What did you think we were doing?”
“I thought… well, I thought it might have progressed into something more. That you were sort of together.”
“No, we’re friends, that’s it. It’s not serious,” I said, my chest clenching as I spoke. It was supposed to be the truth, but it felt more like another lie.
“Okay,” Alfie said. “Sorry for assuming.”
“It’s fine.” I smiled tightly, reaching for more blue roll but not doing anything except clutching it with white knuckles.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.” I wanted him to ask, to push me to talk about it, because I didn’t have the courage to do it myself. But I neededto talk to someone about everything. I just didn’t know how or where to start.
“Do you want it to be more?”
“Yes.” The word fell off my lips softly, but it landed with a devastating thunder which echoed in my ears and shook me to my core. “But we can’t.”
“Why not?”
“He’s only here to the end of September.”
“Here at Lick It!?”
“Yes, but in Heather Bay too. He loves travelling, Alfie, he’s not going to want to stay here.”
“Why not?” Alfie asked it like it was a simple question. But it didn’t work that way.
“Because he’s not. He has nothing to stay for.”
“What about you? Aren’t you a reason to stay?” He put his hand on mine and squeezed it gently. “You know it’s okay to say you want that.”
I shook my head, clutching on to his hand like he was my lifeline. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because… what if I ask him to stay and he resents me for it? What if he stays for me and he hates me because of it?”
“Then that’s not on you,” Alfie said. His voice was calm but there was a firm insistence behind his words. “If you ask him to stay because you want to try a real relationship with him, then he has to make the decision and he is responsible for the consequences. And yes, he might stay and realise it’s not for him, and that would fucking suck and be horrifically painful but at least you tried. But he can’t take it out on you because he made the decision.”
