No. That’s not fair. Holden’s never asked me to be anything else. Never pushed. Never even hinted that he preferred me dressing one way. If anything, he’s the one person who looks at me like all the shifting parts make perfect sense.
But still.
I’ve caught myself bracing for it—the aching, devastating moment when Holden will realize I’m not the right one for him. It always happens.
I glance back toward the closet. If it were just me, and not some stupid date, then I’d probably go with my collared green shirt. It’s what I’m drawn to right now. But what if I wear that and he looks disappointed? Or what if I wear the skirt instead and I spend the whole night wondering if I picked it for me or for him?
Dammit. I hate this. I hate the constant push and pull that goes on in my head when I start worrying about how other people perceive me, like no matter what I choose, I’ll get it wrong.
Through the silence of the apartment, I can hear Aris fluttering about in her cage. It’s weird not to have Holden’s music playing. Unsettling, almost. I crave the silence when he’s here, but when he’s gone, I end up missing his endless playlists. When did his presence stop being welcome here and start… belonging?
I move before I can overthink it again, crossing the room and digging through the closet with more force than necessary. Fabric slides over my arms until I find something that makes me pause.
The soft cream linen shirt with black buttons. That could go with my black jeans, and the ribbed tank under it. It’s a safe compromise. Not masc. Not fully fem either. Just somewhere in the middle where I can still breathe.
I tear off my bra, then slip into the tank and linen shirt. It flows loosely around me, soft and breathable.
There. Finally. That’s better.
After finishing my hair, I sit on the edge of the bed to pull my shoes on just as my phone buzzes.
Holden:Leaving now. Also I changed shirts three times, so if you’re spiraling too, at least we’re embarrassing together.
I let out a soft laugh, and type back before I can think too hard about it.
Me:I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’ve been hot and ready for at least an hour.
Three dots appear immediately.
Holden:Oh, I believe it, Kor. You wake up hot.
I grin despite myself and toss the phone aside. The unease doesn’t disappear completely. I haven’t felt drawn to my masc side in months. Who knows if he’ll still feel the same way when he sees me.
I groan. “Damn you, Holden. I hate dating!”
I coax Aris into her cage as I wait for Holden to show up. When he enters my apartment less than ten minutes later, he’s dressed in dark jeans and a plain blue shirt, which brings out his bright blue eyes. Dressy and casual. I love it. He’s still wearing the leather bracelet I bought for him a couple of years ago too. I secretly love that he rarely takes that off.
I bite the inside of my cheek as he comes closer, waiting for the moment his gaze darts down my body. When it does, I hold my breath.
Holden shakes his head slowly. “How did I never notice how damn sexy you are, like, all the time? It’s so unfair.”
I exhale hard.Does he mean it?I’m barely wearing any makeup today. Something else I haven’t done in months.
Holden kisses me. “Ready?”
Drawing in a shaky breath, I nod.
Once outside, I expect Holden to lead us to his car, but he gestures for me to follow him down the sidewalk.
“We’re not driving?”
He shrugs. “Figured we could stay closer to home. There’s a new Mexican restaurant on the corner.”
I narrow my eyes playfully. “That was conveniently not on the list you sent me.”
“It wasn’t? Oh. I must’ve forgotten.”
I shove him. “Manipulative asshole.”
