“Of course.”
I disappear in search of my sister, greeting more relatives on the way. The further I get from the noise, the more relaxed I feel. The crowd is already draining me, especially after a full shift.
Climbing the stairs, I look in each of the bedrooms until I find my sister. Trista is playing the piano in the music room. Her oldest child, Cooper, is on the bench next to her, hands hovering over the right side of the keyboard. When he plays in harmony with his mother, my heart soars. Trista has always had a gift—not only for playing, but for teaching others.
For a moment, I just listen. But then the child in my arms squirms. “Momma.”
They both stop and turn. My older sister greets me with a smile. “Oh, hey, Korie.”
Trista stands to pull me in for a hug. When she tries to take Jocelyn from my arms, the toddler—who had been reaching for her mother seconds ago—now adamantly shakes her head and presses closer against my chest.
I chuckle, kissing the top of her head.
“How are you?” my sister asks.
“Fine. I just got here, so I thought I’d say hi.”
She hugs me again, lingering like she always does.
We make our way downstairs together. Of all my siblings, Trista is the one who’s always seen me. She was the first person I came out to—first as gay at fifteen, and then later in college when things got… harder to name.
Because it wasn’t just my sexuality. It was… everything.
Some days I felt secure in my skin. Other days, I didn’t. I’d catch myself staring at dresses in the department store, wanting something softer or something different. Then months later,after thinking maybe I was trans, that desire faded like it had never been there at all.
It used to make me feel like something was wrong with me. Then Trista sent me an article one night with a simple message:This sounds like you.
And just like that, everything finally made sense.
I am not only male or female. I’m both.
Gender fluid.
Trista had been there when I broke the news to the family, but now she lives an hour away, so we don’t see each other as often as we’d like.
“Before I forget, there’s a package for you in my purse.”
I pause, surprised.
She grins. “Just a new eyeshadow palette I saw in the mall and thought you’d like.”
I go up on my toes. “You didn’t need to do that.”
She waves me off. “Oh please. You would do the same thing for me.”
It’s true. We share makeup almost as much as we share clothes. Or we used to, anyway, before they moved away. Trista bought me my first dress—a soft, red, knee-length thing with shiny buttons. I still have it, even if it doesn’t fit right.
After finally coaxing Jocelyn to the ground, I go to the kitchen to load a plate with a few snacks and go outside, in desperate need of some space and fresh air. I find Holden talking to a group of men on the side of the yard. One of them is his brother, Caleb. He looks identical to Holden, except with a little softer belly and darker hair that’s sprinkled with gray. I imagine that’s what Holden will look like ten years from now, and it makes me smile. Still so handsome.
From this distance, something seems off about Caleb, though. His shoulders seem heavy and his smile doesn’t quite reach hiseyes, but maybe he’s just tired. Holden did say he was going to get in late.
I sink into an Adirondack chair, and immediately lift my plate into the air when my parents’ Labrador comes over to see if I’ll give her any nibbles. “No, Grace.”
The dog tries again, but runs away when she sees my nephew walking around with a hot dog.
I pick at the snacks, if only to give my hands something to do. I had been looking forward to this barbecue all week, but now that I’m here… all I want to do is go home.
The yard is busy with cornhole and bocce ball competitions. Any other day and I would’ve dragged Trista or Holden in for a match, but I don’t have the energy tonight. I’d blame my shift or the guy at the department store for my low mood, but the truth is, I woke up this way. I’m just… off. I have been since that day on the water. Aching for something I can’t name.
