Korie smirks. “I was right to be scared. We crashed pretty badly. You ended up with that cut on your chin.”
“I know. But we also laughed so hard we couldn’t stand up straight.”
Korie’s eyes soften.
“It sounds so stupid, but I think that was the first time I knew you were truly something special to me. Like I was old enough to understand you were someone I always wanted around.”
Korie’s lip wobbles, but they don’t move.
“Then when we were ten, we went to Disneyland with our families. I wanted to go on the Flying Carpet ride, but you didn’t want to. Just before I was about to step out of line so we could stay together, you changed your mind. All four-foot-whatever of you.”
“Shut up,” they say. “We’re the same height now.”
“Then I convinced you to go biking in the hills, and we got lost.”
“Oh, god,” Korie snorts. “Don’t remind me. I swear that mountain lion was going to eat us!”
“There was no mountain lion.”
“There was too!”
I shake my head and step closer. “Then in middle school, we went to our first dance. We were both too embarrassed to ask anyone to dance, so we danced together and made total fools of ourselves, anyway.”
Korie finally smiles. “Freshman homecoming too. We couldn’t find any decent guys to go with, and everyone assumed we were a couple. We had to correct everyone for months.”
I hesitate, knowing the next one might hurt. “And that year, we joined the swim team.”
They flinch. “Hold—”
“I never blamed you, Korie. Ever. I shouldn’t have said those things because I know you didn’t quit because of me. I was confused and hurt, and I felt like I was losing you all over again. But even back then, I knew something bigger was going on, even if you couldn’t tell me.”
Korie shifts nervously, and I can see them trembling.
“I’ve been thinking back, and you know what I remembered?”
They don’t reply.
“It was always me. I pushed us to join the team. I pushed us to try out for the college team too. And I kept pushing us over and over. From when we were seven until two months ago when I pushed you for a date.”
“Holden.”
“I hear you now, Kor. That’s what I’m trying to say. I see it. We were always so connected, but just slightly misaligned. I was going too fast, too far. And you were always just trying to keep up. I think… maybe I kept dragging you into things before you were ready. I just got excited and ran ahead.”
Korie dashes at their eyes.
“And I—” I swallow hard, knowing the next few words are going to be the hardest of my life. “If I ever made you feel cornered or rushed or… I don’t know. Like you couldn’t breathe for a second? I’m really fucking sorry.”
Korie finally steps forward, touching my face. “You big dummy. If it weren’t for you, I’d probably be a permanent couch burrito.”
I suck in a painful breath.
“I need a push sometimes. Yeah, you can go too far, but that wasn’t the case with the team. You need to hear that. I wouldn’t have joined if I didn’t want to do it.”
“I had to beg you.”
“Yeah, and you had to beg me to get on that sled or climb that rickety old treehouse too. Because I was scared, Holden. That’s it. Once I did it, I was fine. I loved swim team. I loved competing with you. It was always you and me. Up until the moment…” Korie looks away for a second, and when they finally turn back, tears are sliding down their cheeks. “I loved it up until the moment I felt like I was losing myself to the sport. And then I couldn’t do it anymore. But that wasn’t about you. Quitting wasneverabout you, Holden. Ever. I felt like I was drowning and, at the time, I didn’t have words for what was going on. I just had to do something.”
I nod. “I know.”
