Or maybe he’s fighting his own.
As we get closer to my apartment, the ball in my chest expands, pressing against my ribcage and making it difficult to breathe. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to calm down. This is Holden. My person. Which is exactly why it feels so… massive.
One wrong move could shift everything. One right move could too.
When we get there, Holden lets go of my hand to grab the stuff from the trunk. I move on autopilot, walking to the door and unlocking it. It clicks open, and we step inside. The familiar scent hits me, grounding and surreal all at once. I pick up notes of sandalwood and cherry from when I’d burned the last of my candle earlier, and it fills me with sadness. I wish I hadn’t burned through it so fast. I wanted it to last.
Aris immediately starts squawking from her cage, bright green wings scraping the wires as she demands to be set free. I ignore her.
Setting the stuffed panda on the couch, I turn to face Holden. He’s already watching me. Not the way he usually does. No. This is different—his gaze is sharper, more focused. Like he’s studying me or trying to figure something out. There’s confusion there. Curiosity. And something that makes my breath catch.
I’ve seen Holden want someone before… but now I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of that stare, and damn the things it does to me.
I close the distance between us before I can think better of it, stepping into his space and lifting my hands to cup his face. His skin is warm under my palms, slightly scruffy.
“We don’t have to do this,” he says quietly.
“I know.”
I kiss him, soaking in the taste, the sounds, the sudden hitch to his breath. All the things I never knew about Holden and now get to experience.
There’s still that voice in the back of my head, saying we’re going too fast and we’re stepping over lines we can’t redraw. It’s telling me he’ll change his mind.
I shove it aside and lean into Holden, pressing our bodies together as I deepen the kiss just enough to feel the shift between us. He rocks his hips forward, groaning as he digs his fingers into my waist—but there’s hesitation too. A gentleness that borders on restraint, like he’s holding something back.
Or like he’s not sure.
It makes me pause.
Pulling back, I search his face. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
His hands slide up my sides—slowly, so slowly—coming to rest at my back. “I don’t know what I’m thinking.”
“Tell me anyway.”
His nostrils flare as he sucks in a quiet breath, eyes flicking between mine like he’s trying to find the right words. It’s a long few seconds before he speaks.
“You keep telling me I skip steps, Kor,” he says finally, voice low. “Are you sure we aren’t doing that now?”
I don’t answer—because I don’t know how. A part of me knows he’s right, even if I hate it.
He brushes his thumb against my back, soft and careful.
“Tonight was…” He shakes his head slightly, letting out a small, almost disbelieving laugh. “I don’t even have words for what tonight was. Better than anything I could’ve imagined, if I’m honest.”
My chest tightens, and I catch myself smiling. “For me too.”
“I don’t want to ruin it,” he adds, quieter now, “by going too far.”
Damn him.
Damn him for making sense and being the one to pull the brakes when I was ready to jump.
I study him for a second, taking in the sincerity in his eyes, the softness to his expression. Holden is holding himself back not because he doesn’t want this, but because he does.
This matters to him.
The irony of the moment doesn’t slip by me. Where other men used to say no because they were uncomfortable around me, Holden is saying no because he does and he knows it’s not the right time.
