When he grins in a knowing way, I elbow him.
“Ow.”
“You’re not watching either. You were staring at me.”
“Because I’m worried about you, yeah.”
All humor fades. I chew my lip before whispering, “I’m sorry, okay? I really don’t know how to handle this. Today, I mean.”
Holden shifts to see me better. “Is that all it is, though? You didn’t want them to know?” The other half of his question lingers between us.Or do you regret sleeping with me?
Panic swells within. “I know it doesn’t make sense, but I can’t… adjust to this as quickly as you, Holden. It’s not who I am.”
“So we rushed it.” He sounds a little angry with himself.
“No, I just…” I trail off, sighing in frustration.
Holden waits, as if expecting me to say more. But how can I explain it when I can’t even make sense of this?
In a quiet voice, I say the only thing I can, “It wasn’t the sex. Honestly. It wasn’t.”
I loved what we did last night, and I loved waking up with Holden’s arms around me. I think that’s what has me rattled. It felt right, and I already want it again—and soon.
I just… didn’t think I wanted any of this at all. I avoided dating so long, and now…
Holden waits for me to say more.
“I think I just panicked this morning because we’ve hardly talked about this at all. So then with Sophie…” I trail off, picking at the blanket. “Anyway, I’m sorry.”
His thumb brushes over my knee. “You know I wouldn’t say anything, though.”
That’s just it, though. I saw the joy in Holden’s eyes when he realized Sophie had caught on to this. He wants to explore this openly, while I need to process it in private.
I want to be with Holden. I just need time to adjust to the idea. Everything is happening so fast and the more eyes we have on us, the less certain I’ll feel about it beingmydecision. One month ago, I was convinced I didn’t even want to date, period. Now, it’s consuming every thought. It’s scary.
“Do you want us to stop?” Holden asks simply.
“No.”
“You sure?”
I curl against him. “I really don’t.”
He finally relaxes. “Okay. Good. ‘Cause neither do I.”
He lifts an arm around me and I lie against his chest.
“Stay with me tonight,” I say quietly.
Holden kisses my head. “Of course.”
“You’re breaking records lately.”
I glance up from my laptop. “Hm?”
Holden reaches over the back of the couch and hooks a finger into a strand of my hair near my temple, lifting it slightly. “Your roots are showing.”
I swat his hand away automatically. “Rude.”
