He has a soft smile across his lips and it concerns me.
Jamie brings over another cinnamon latte and takes the empty cup. His gaze lingers on Sam for a beat longer than normal, and if I didn’t have the same look of longing in my eyes when I look at Oakleigh, I would roll them at how pathetic it is.
After Jamie heads back to the counter, Sam asks, “Is that why you’re pretending to date, Oakleigh? Because you don’t want to disappoint your mom?”
He looks less than impressed when the coffee in my mouth lands as a fine spray over his ripped jeans. I force myself to swallow the little bit that still remains in my mouth before sending an apologetic look to Jamie.
“The fuck are you apologizing to him for? I’m the one you just sprayed with essence of tree bark.”
“You deserve it,” I whisper fiercely at him. “Dropping a bomb like that mid-sip.”
“I had to bring it up sometime!”
“Well, next time choose your ‘sometime’ better.” I wipe my mouth with a napkin, my heart racing.
Sam’s smirk returns. “You wanna know how I know?”
No. “Tell me.”
“I saw Oakleigh go on a date with some guy four months ago. The timing throws your whole timeline out of whack.”
Oakleigh went on a what?
“She went on a what?” I ask, my voice hollow and my throat dry.
Sam’s face falls. My head feels heavy with intrusive thoughts. Some guy putting his hands on Oakleigh as if he has any fucking right to touch someone so beautiful. I don’t give a shit if this guy was Henry Cavill himself, he’s still unworthy.
And you are?my brain asks.Bold of you to assume you’re worth anything.Even your parents left this world to get away from you.
Not fucking true.
Isn’t it?
I give my head a rough shake, but the voice that mirrors my own still remains in the background, leaving me constantly doubting everything I think and feel.
“Oh, shit, Finn. I’m sorry, man. I just assumed that since it wasn’t real, then the feelings weren’t…you know…real.”
But Sam is wrong, at least when it comes to me. They are real, they’re as real as they’ve been since the moment I saw her, covered in baked cherries from the cherry pie she was scarfing down. It’s been real enough that the love I feel has always gone hand in hand with a severe case of yearning and dissatisfaction. Real enough that the mere mention of any other man even showing her any attention has me wanting to throw up.
Sam’s gaze turns cool and observant.
“Finn, what are you trying to achieve here? What are you expecting to get out of all this?”
“For my mother to relax and not worry about me,” I say firmly.
“She’s your mother, she’s always going to worry about you. It’s part of the job description.”
“I don’t want her to worry. I want her to take comfort in the knowledge that I do want to be with someone, that I haven’t given up on love.”
He watches my every expression. “And is this someone you want to be with Oakleigh, by any chance?”
I set my mouth into a firm line and that’s enough of an answer for him.
“So, you’re also hoping to get the woman you love.”
Unworthy.
“Yeah, I guess.”
