I nod earnestly. Of course, I remember. Those words are the only reason that this thing hasn’t consumed me.
“It only becomes unsafe if you give in to it, Finley. The moment you give those thoughts what they want is the moment they make your actions unsafe.”
“What do you think your compulsions say about you, Finley?”
“What do you mean?”
Dr. Madden shrugs calmly. “Well, do you think that they make you stronger? Weaker? Brave?”
“Why would they make me stronger?” I ask, my tone bitter.
“Because it’s something you manage to overcome each time?”
My scoff is bitter. “Overcomeis not the word I would use.”
“Then what is, Finn?”
I don’t want to answer because I don’t have a word. Not for something so complicated. My compulsions take away any control I have over not just my body, but also my own thoughts and feelings, and it’s scary giving away that much trust. I don’t want to tell Dr. Madden this because I don’t want to make him think that our time apart has been detrimental. Although, I’m not silly enough to believe he thought my compulsions had stopped, I still don’t want him to think that I’ve fallen far.
“Finn?”
Shit, I’m lost in thought again.
“Sorry,” I say. I clear my throat. “I don’t think I have a word.”
He waits for me to talk. Sometimes, he prefers to do that. He’ll jump between him leading the conversation and me doing it. It lets him see what areas to address. To him, I bring up what needs to be spoken about even when I don’t know I’m doing it.
I search his office as if I’ll find the words sitting on his desk or his bookshelf.
“I don’t know, maybe they say that I’m emotional?”
“Go on.”
I close my eyes, reaching deeper into myself and pulling some words out.
“My mom Wanda says that I have a lot of love to give. She says that it’s chaotic, but in a good way. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I’ve always been quite an emotional guy and it sits inside of me just waiting. Maybe I try and control my feelings and that’s what causes problems. Maybe emotions aren’t meant to be restrained and I need to stop trying.”
I look to Dr. Madden for the answer, but I know he won’t tell me. That’s not his job: to set out all of the answers for me on a silver platter, there for me to pick up when I feel ready. It’s his job to guide me and teach me how to guide myself. However, his eyebrows are furrowed, lips turned down at the corners.
Shit, maybe I said the wrong thing.
“Or, you know, something like that,” I add, hating the silence between my reply and his.
When he looks back at me, his face lifts and finds its usual composure. Again, hating the silence, I add more simply to fill the space.
“My OCD stems from trauma, I know, but maybe it worsens not because of that, but because I restrain myself and allow myself to find the bad in my feelings. Maybe I care so much about what others think because I want to know how to feel so that I can pick which feeling is correct and shove the others down.
“I’ve spent my whole life thinking that I need to be perfect for those around me. The minute I fell for Oakleigh, I sabotaged it without even giving myself a chance because I thought about how I would never be able to match how perfect she is. I knew I’d be flawed and I’d make mistakes, and that meant I wasn’t worthy of her. I never even took the time to think that maybe Oakleigh would also make mistakes, would also display some flaws, and that I made her perfect in my eyes despite those flaws because to me, they’re beautiful. So why can no one do that for me, too?”
Holy shit, did that all just come from me?
The smile on Dr. Madden’s face tells me it did. All he says in response is, “Interesting.”
Isn’t it just.
ChapterTwenty-Seven
OAKLEIGH
