He slammed his eyes shut. “I never told her of the duel. I…couldn’t, but I had to tell her of the monies lost as we needed to economise. Hell, the look in her eyes, Charlotte. She was sodisappointed in me. You could see it.” He pinched his brow. “I begged her forgiveness.”
“And she would have.”
“I think so,” he whispered. “You remember Mother, a kind word for everyone, and she told me she’d no doubt I’d regain it. That it was only money.”
“And you did regain it. So she must have seen–”
“No, Charlotte.” He grimaced. “The losses I made could not be recouped in those years alone. She died while I was still struggling, interest still mounting.” He gave a bitter laugh. “I know I project an aura of wealth and attend all the right clubs in order to broker deals as money begets money, but the truth of the matter is that although the estate is just about running in credit, I still have one more year of debts to pay. It’s not over. Even now.”
Lines of fatigue furrowed his brow, eyes glazed in pain as though the past was here and now.
Charlotte swiped at her wet cheeks. How wrong she had been. And she kneeled on the rug aside his chair, to clutch his hand.
She brought his knuckles to her lips.
What could she say?
“It sounds to me,” she said at last, “that throughout your despair, those who truly knew you never lost faith in you to rebuild what was lost. Your mother, Thomas, Lord Woodford. They saw the good in you that I see. The kind man who only wants to ensure the estate’s future. Your honour at the duel that saved your life. They all forgave you. But…it seems to me that you have not forgiven yourself, Marcus. The young man who made a mistake, like we all do. I understan–”
“Can you?” His eyes sought hers. “I threw away our future. I should have been able to help you when your father died. Instead you had to leave your home, become a governess and…”
“I have managed, Marcus. I… It has not always been easy but I have made a life for myself. And I now understand what drives you and your need for more but… Do not forget who and what you work so hard for – Dinah and the tenants. The memory of your mother and your cousin Thomas. Do not lose sight of that honourable and kind man who we are all…all so fond of.”
He rubbed his stubbled cheek. “I’m not sure he’s inside me anymore.”
“Oh, he is. I have seen him.” She smiled. “I’ve seen him being kind to my uncle. I’ve seen him care for Dinah.”
I’ve felt it when he kissed me.
“And,” she continued, “I renounce our deal.”
His head shot up. “What?”
“It was unfair of me to suggest it. If you need to go to Carlisle for the prosperity of the estate, then…you must go. I shall be governess here unpaid until a school is found for Dinah.”
“Charlotte… No…” He clutched her arm. “You need the money. And you still have one last Christmastide event for me?”
“It doesn’t matter–”
“I wish to attend it,” he said firmly. “And you will be paid no matter what. After all, we…we are friends, are we not? Always have been.”
Charlotte forced a smile. “Of course. And…very well. Tomorrow night then. After which, you must go to Carlisle.”
“Tomorrow night.”
So with a nod, she stood and slipped from the study before she did something foolish.
Like tell him she loved him. That she’d always loved him.
That she always would.
CHAPTER EIGHT
“At meals, people should be careful to accustom themselves to every delicacy of behaviour.”
PRIVATEEDUCATION:APRACTICALPLAN FOR THESTUDIES OFYOUNGLADIES.
ELIZABETHAPPLETON. 1815.
