I’ve been doing the same, but at his question I stop, standing straighter with my rag in my hand. “Nothing.”
“You sure? Because ever since I started working here, you’ve always been the most low-maintenance of us all. You do your joband don’t make a fuss and don’t waste energy on silly nonsense. Nell told me I should look at you for a good example.”
“She said that? Really?”
“Yeah. She said you did what you needed to do and never let your emotions get involved, and until now all of that seemed true. But lately…” He gives a dramatic shrug instead of finishing the sentence.
“It’s not that bad. I’ve been doing my job just fine.”
“Sure, but half the time you look like you’d rather be anywhere but here. And guess when are the times you don’t look like that?”
“Danny—”
“I’m just saying. I think he’s a good guy too, and sure, maybe he’s the world’s best fuck, but still… You’ve thought about this, haven’t you?”
“Of course I’ve thought about it.”
“You’re not thinking the two of you are going to run off together and live in fairy-tale land, are you?”
“No! Give me a little credit.”
“Then maybe try to tell that to your heart. I know Nell gets to charge whatever she wants and make the rules and such, but the customers are the ones who use us. They’re the ones who walk out the door afterward. We’re the ones who will still be here after they’re gone.”
My heart started racing as soon as Danny started talking, and now it’s dropping into my gut. “I know all of that,” I grit out.
“Don’t get your emotions involved. That’s always been rule one.”
“I know it is.”
“So take your own advice.”
“I’m doing the best I can.”
He must hear something in my voice because he backs off. He leans over to wipe another table. But he glances back and asks over his shoulder, “What is it about the guy anyway?”
“What do you mean?”
“Something about him got through all the walls you’ve always put up. And I can’t really see what it is myself. You just really like the burly, grunting lumberjack type?”
“He’s not like that!” I’m smiling now because Danny is obviously teasing. “He’s a lot smarter than you’d think, and he’s… I don’t know. Considerate. He treats me like a person. I like him.”
“Okay. I can understand that. But just because he treats you like a person doesn’t mean you’re the love of his life. He’s not going to take you away from all this. He’s not going to save you from this world.”
“I know.”
“There is no being saved from this world.”
“I know that too, Danny. I really do. I’ve just been… enjoying myself a little. Do you really think I need to stop?”
“As long as it’s just enjoying right now and not hoping for something more.”
I’m still thinking about Danny’s words later in the evening and wondering if he’s right. Maybe I’ve really messed up. Maybe I’ve been unforgivably stupid. Maybe I fell for a customer who might be better than all the others but is never going to think of me as anything but a prostitute.
Maybe I need to not see him again.
I try to imagine myself doing it, and I can’t. It’s never going to happen. So instead, I need to do whatever I can to protect my heart when I’m with him.
Surely I can manage that much.
